I went crazy today. Seriously. It was so weird. You should have been there.
I got into a fight with Tucker, but that's nothing new. We scrapped a little and he started yelling, and I got into his car and started driving. I think at the time I was intent upon driving to Mexico, but really, I can't remember that well. At some point, I took three hundred dollars out of an ATM.
I got on the 5. I was singing along to an Indie rock radio station, and the singing was a little manic. I didn't feel so good, spiritually speaking, but there wasn't a crisis or anything. I felt calm. I felt okay. It wasn't like Christmas, when I up and decided sobriety wasn't for me at the time, and gave up on it. That was a time I wholeheartedly accepted the crazy. I was like, this is going to happen. I am going to unravel, for it is time. I am going to make insanity happen for me, because I'm not up for sanity any longer. No, this time I was just sort of singing to some Tom Petty and then some Sublime, and then some Social Distortion. "Laaaaaaa, story of my liiiiiife."
So all of a sudden, I got dizzy. I felt the most desperate urge to cry, an urge I succumbed to, and when the tears started flowing I blacked out. My eyes were open, for sure, but no data was coming in. This wasn't good because I was doing 75 on the 5 (California speak for "traveling seventy five miles per hour on the Golden State Freeway.") So I got off at the nearest exit, pulled over and started punching myself in the head, and let me tell you, punching myself in the head used to be a whole lot funner before I started boxing.
I was punching myself and screaming really insane shit, like, "YOU SUCK SO MUCH YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU, NO ONE EVER HAS, NO ONE EVER WILL!!!!!" Seriously, the most self-abusive shit came out. It was like the end of that "Me Myself and Irene" movie, when the two personalities trapped in Jim Carrey's body went to war with each other.
So after that, I drove home. I was pretty sad. You can imagine you would be pretty sad if you went crazy and hit yourself in the head a lot.
Posted by The Bunny at 1:39 AM