People ask me all the time, "Bunny, what do you think of 'The L Word?'" "I bet you just love 'The L Word.'" "How great is 'The L Word?'"
I don't watch it. Isn't that silly? There's a show on Showtime--the hot, wet boobies, and red shoe diaries, masturbatory staple of my youth--and that show is a full-frontal nude lesbian sex and drama circus, and I don't watch it. That doesn't make sense. I know.
I did catch an episode in season one, and that happened to be--unfortunately--an episode in which there was no hot lesbo sex, and somebody named Bette was cold and obnoxious, though I knew her to be--in her former life--the smoking, spot welding, hot ass-cheeks and legwarmers Jennifer Beals. It was confusing to me, and it encroached upon my old childhood fantasy. The one where I get caught in a rainstorm in Pittsburgh, and unwittingly run face first into the supple Alex Owens on her way home from her night job, as an exotic dancer at Mawby's--and as I am distressed not unlike a wet labrador puppy--she takes me in and...well...the rest is my fantasy. You can't have it. I'll only tell you, that during our encounter she never once resembled Bette, frigid bitch and art snob.
Naturally, I grew a disdain. I grudged, and for a great period of time, I went without seeing a single glimpse of the show. Recently, after I went crazy, I developed a nasty chest cold and found myself in bed for five straight days afore the telly. The L Word was on, so I caught the most recent episode, season five, episode three.
I was confused. There is so much I don't know about being gay. Take for instance:
Only gay women go to jail. There are no straight women in correctional facilities.
Men want to destroy the careers of lesbians, and rob their west hollywood, lesbian-only coffeehouses.
Men don't understand when lesbians want to study, and sometimes throw lesbians into lakes.
Pretty, blonde, fake breasted, lesbian heart surgeons can be found on Internet dating sites, and all it takes is one bad date to bed them.
How is a show starring ten attractive lesbians sucking and fucking their way through LA so patently unwatchable? I'm agog. Aghast.
Only one thing is certain at this juncture: I'll never miss another episode.
Posted by The Bunny at 11:51 PM