A Fresh Start - March 26, 2005
I make them all the time. And then they fail, and I invariably turn back into the same old Bunny. Every time.
I went to California for a month with the intent of making a new start. I wanted to go there, escape from my dependency on Tucker, relax and recoup, find an inner peace and return. But I wasn't going to return the same old Bunny. No way. I was going to become a shining reincarnation, with poise and self-control. I would not over consume alcohol any more. I would not do irresponsible things. I would not molest my friends unless specifically asked to, and then only in private. I would take control of my life, and have really great skin doing it.
When I returned I was this person. And about twenty minutes later, I went out, got trashed, felt up my friends and got my car towed. Same old Bunny.
But since I moved into my new apartment, I've been alone and have had the time to realize a few things about myself. I've thought long and hard about my major malfunctions and how I can fix them. One of the biggest problems is this: I have destructive taste in men.
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Wolves and Sheep
There are two kinds of men in the world, the Wolves and the Sheep.
The Wolves are the men I am hopelessly attracted to, men of excessive intelligence, contrarians, artists and the like. They make terrible boyfriends, but are nonetheless addictive. They use the art of mystery to seduce, and once you are hooked, the end result is a mess. They are, themselves, messy, train wrecks even. These are the men that read Robert Greene's "Forty-eight Laws of Power," in just a few hours, then go out into the world and make someone their bitch.
Wolves are rare. I don't know why I always find myself surrounded by them. Maybe I am easy prey.
The Sheep are more common. They make great boyfriends and are, to me, easily forgotten. They are safe and reliable, and they often work nine to five jobs unmoved by the need to be free. They may hate their boss, but not enough to quit a steady gig in a flurry of self-righteous arrogance. They don't practice Machiavellian treatises in order to wake up next to women they don't know. The Sheep read "Forty-eight Laws of Power" and think, "Some people are very sad and lost." Then they put it down on their IKEA nightstand full of unused condoms and pet their Golden Retriever.
Sheep are everywhere, yet I've never dated one. Instead I've bounced from Wolf to Wolf, which is an agonizing way to go through life. After the last Wolf, perhaps the alpha of all Wolves, I decided to change my strategy. I decided to start fresh, and after I failed and fell for another god damned Wolf, I decided to start fresh again. Here's how that went.
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As she is moving here, BunnySis came to town on Wednesday to meet with placement agencies. Last night, we went to something called "Balls Out" happy hour. It was a $10 all you can drink event. I figured it wasn't the best way to start out my new life as a poised and competent woman, but thought it would be a good test of the inner peace I had found early that morning, after the debauched night prior during which I slept with Gigi and got my car towed.
Many good friends were there, Vinyard and AKB Money, Miss Kitty, Narcisist, Gigi and Earthmuffin. Also there were some friends I had met on a SouthSide Pub Crawl, Big Willy, who looks like a mix of Mark Maguire and Mr. Clean, and Slacker, a nice guy who is only called "Slacker" because he was wearing a shirt that read "Slacker" when I met him. He looks like Jay Mohr would look if he put down the frosting kit and backed away to his natural hair color.
I introduced BunnySis to everyone and then got us wristbands for the Happy Hour. The bar was packed with Illinois fans in orange t-shirts. Since Sis and I were still hung over from the night before, we downed our first beer quickly and got another. Every sip made us feel better. This is when our parents drunk-dialed us.
We took our beers to Vinyard and AKB Money's table. BunnySis and AKB Money became instant friends when they bonded over Bedazzlers and makeup. During this discussion, Vinyard, who has a very bad liver, began to nod off. I put my hand on his arm and he turned to me and shouted, "STOP!" BunnySis did the same and asked him if he was okay, and he yelled, "BRING IT!"
"Uh okay. Bring what?"
"BRING IT! BRING ALL YOUR SHIT!"
AKB Money decided it was time for the two of them to go home.
This is when my friend, Narcissist, came over. As BunnySis and AKB Money bonded over Bedazzlers, Narcissist and I bonded over the night we had a stripper (read: hooker) delivered to my house at four in the morning who refused to take her clothes off in front of girls. Good times.
Narcissist told me that he fits all my dating requirements aside from the smoking. Given his outlandish behavior, charm and multiple DUI's and accidents I decided he was a "WIT," Wolf in Training. I had just made a fresh start, so I begrudgingly declined on the date offer.
BunnySis and I had to pee, so we got two beers and headed out into th e sea of orange to find the bathroom. On the way we decided it would be funny to ask strange, but attractive, men how our appearances became so dissimilar. We asked like this, "We're sisters. Do you think mom fucked the mailman?" Many people were turned off by this, but one table decided they enjoyed us enough to buy us Tequila, which we drank, then ran. It was not very poised or competent of me to do so.
"Okay girls, we'll see you in a few minutes."
BunnySis (who becomes a growling pirate when drunk): "NOT LIKELY!"
In the bathroom I cursed myself for drinking my nemesis. I had tried so hard all afternoon to be a poised and competent woman, and now I had done a shot of Tequila and ruined my hard work. I decided in that bathroom to make a fresh start. On the way out I stared at a nice set of tits, but did nothing outrageous to the owner. I was very proud of myself, and my fresh start.
Now very intoxicated, BunnySis and I headed back to our table with the intent of slowing down.
BS: "I'M DRUUUUUUNK!"
Bunny: "Yes. We should slow down. But first, let's get two more beers. Then we'll slow down after the beers."
BS: "OHHHHKAY!"
At our table, Narcissist was lining up Jagerbombs for us all. Since I had made another fresh start in the bathroom, I decided that I would do the Jagerbomb, but only sip it. When it came time to down the shot, I was amazed at my self-control. I simply sipped a little and put it down. This fresh start was going to last. This is when Miss Kitty sat down on my lap, bit my neck and said, "Meoooooow." She then pointed at my remaining shot with a frown, so I had to do it, and then also make out with her a little. But the corner our table was located in was very dark and private. It was almost like we weren't in a bar at all, aside from all the people leering at us.
Big Willy joined our table with something called an "Obomb," which was sweet and orangey. Faithful to my fresh start in the bathroom, I only sipped the Obomb.
We were surprised, pleasantly, to find that everyone at the table could knit and enjoyed the pastime. This is when we put together a club called "Drunken Freaks that Knit." Big Willy told us that he could crochet as well, which made him very attractive to us. He ordered more Jagerbombs and a round of beers as well. I decided this would be a perfect time to poke fun at him and Miss Kitty for making out in the back of the bus after the SouthSide Irish parade, and this is when I found out that it was me making out with Big Willy and not Miss Kitty. But this happened before my fresh start, so it's okay. Slacker told us that he woke up in Lansing, IL because he had drunkenly boarded the wrong bus. I thought this was cute, and told him so. This is when I noticed that Slacker has very nice lips. I kissed them a few times and then discovered that BunnySis had disappeared. I decided to go find her.
My Jagerbomb and beer were half gone in each hand. This is when I decided to consolidate the two, and a new drink, "The Jagerbud," was born. It does not taste very good.
I made my way to the bathroom, where my fresh start had started and was still going strong. BunnySis was in a stall spewing methane and growling, "CHICAGO MAKES ME GASSY!" I gave her a sip of Jagerbud, and she agreed that it was a drink that did not taste very good.
On the way back from the bathroom, we picked up Miss Kitty. She expressed horror when she was told that BunnySis is not bisexual, as if this were some terrible aberrance.
BS: "I HAD A THREESOME LAST MONTH! LEMME WORK ON IT!"
Walking through the sea of Illinois fans, we decided to begin shouting, "SYRACUSE" even though they had lost in the first round. Then I decided that our "Drunken Freaks that Knit" group should have a mantra, and that mantra should be "TITS AND DICK!" We spent a few minutes alternately shouting our mantra.
At our table Narcissist was signing up on the Email list as "Andrew Jackson." I decided to sign up as "Sylvia Plath, Splath@hotmail.com." BunnySis, in a moment of brilliance, signed up as "Martha Stewart, blueeyes@campcupcake.com," then squealed as Miss Kitty bit her on the ass ferociously. This is when Miss Kitty whispered in my ear that Slacker has an enormous penis, something she learned while molesting him at the SouthSide parade. Sometimes she likes to grab genitals. Its wonderful.
Then we all decided to scream "TITS AND DICK" for a few minutes. I don't know why. I felt like this was undignified behavior, and decided to make a new fresh start.
I sat back down at the table with Slacker, whose lips kept getting nicer with every sip of Jagerbud. We discussed quantum physics and the art of guitar, and this is when I found out that Slacker can play one, doubling his attractiveness.
BunnySis was in the middle of the bar leading absolutely no one in the "LET'S GO MOUNTAINEERS" cheer.
"Sis, you're not a Mountaineer. You went to Syracuse."
"THEY FUCKING LOVE ME IN MORGANTOWN! I CAN GET AN EIGHT-BALL ON HIGH STREET FOR TWENTY BUCKS!"
I went back to Slacker and decided that he also had very nice eyes. We got more beer and then made out a lot. I promised myself during my last fresh start after the "TIT'S AND DICK!" episode that I wouldn't partake in any more public displays of affection and told Slacker this. And then I kissed him some more. We were interrupted by West Virginia winning their game."
"PUT THE WOMEN, CHILDREN, FAGGOTS, AND SMALL FARM ANIMALS TO BED, BITCHES!!!!!!"
This is when I decided that I would cast off my fresh start, follow BunnySis' suggestion and put my sheep to bed. I put my coat on to leave and said goodbye to BunnySis.
"YOU'RE FUCKING LUUUUUUCKY, SLACKER!!!! SHE DOESN'T LIKE ANYONE, SLLLLLAAAAACKER!"
Then we went to his house and had amazing sex. It was intense, animalistic and at times violent sex which crescendoed with me knocking him across the face. I don't know why, and I don't care.
BunnySis greeted me at the door to my apartment this morning looking like Elvira, Princess of the Dark. She was still drunk and doing the "Walk like an Egyptian" dance around the house. "ALL THE JAPANESE, WITH THEIR YEN..." Apparently she had gotten into a cab with a guy from the bar and told the driver to go to Schaumburg.
Fuck fresh starts. I am who I am, drunken, debauched, and airheaded, with a surprising appetite for Sheep. It's a tasty animal.
Posted by at 9:32 PM
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Comments
Had to check out this story one more time. I have not been knocked across the face in a long time. haha
Ed: You miss me.
Posted by: Slacker at March 22, 2007 09:59 AM
