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An Apology - May 10, 2007

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I shoulda been a contender


I have a friend who trains in mixed martial arts (MMA)--a combination of boxing, Muay Thai, Greco-Roman wrestling, Sambo, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and sometimes Judo. I'm sure you've heard of mixed martial arts before. MMA fighters are those brutal-looking Croat dudes in the UFC fight commercials with short shorts and no boxing gloves. If you know nothing more about the sport, it seems kind of goomba, but let me tell you, its an exciting and very technical spectacle. Legs break. Eye sockets split. Debilitating kicks to the head end fights, WHAMO--that quick--and often bested fighters find themselves in the dreaded sleeper hold. They've got but a few seconds to slip out until...zzzzzz. Boxing matches are a snore-fest in comparison. I can see why promoters are desperate to save the sport.

So I went with this friend to get a cup replacement for his scrote. The store we went to had all sorts of MMA stuff inside: heavy bags, gloves, shin guards for the Muay Thai. I'm a straight child in stores, particularly sporting good stores. You can't keep me from exploring every device I can get my hands on. I'm on the treadmill, the stationary bike, the stairmaster. I'm lifting the weights. I'm tossing medicine balls, and eventually, hitting the heavy bag. I put a few kicks into it, just to joke around, and my friend said, "No, no, no. You're doing it all wrong. You look like a Rockette." Which I took as a compliment, what with the twenty years of dance instruction.

He showed me how to put a good kick to a heavy bag, and then he picked up this padded thingy and said, "Okay, punch this."

Well I was nervous, because they don't teach you how to punch in ballet. Trust me.

"What do I do?"

He put the pads down and stood next to me, showing me a wide-footed stance, bending his elbows at the ready with his fists in front of his face to block any incoming Croat anger. "Watch," he said. "I'm gonna push out real quick with my right and put my hips into it. You wanna use your whole body when you punch."

"Okay." I mimicked kind of timidly. I had no punch experience. Except with ex-boyfriends and my sister, but who likes to remember the bad times?

He picked up the padded apparatus again and said, "Okay, hit me." I stood with my feet spread like he told me to, channeled my considerable rage and threw my whole body into what is apparently called "a right straight" punch.

"Whoa," he said.

"What? What did I do wrong?"

"No," he said. "You should train. You've got heavy hands."

"What does that mean?" They are quite stubby, I must say. I hide them under the table at social gatherings.

"You're just...naturally a really good puncher."

"Yeah?"

At first I got excited. Then I signed up for Muay Thai kickboxing classes. And finally I felt really bad about all those times I ignored my sister--which probably should have been my first reaction--when she said, "YOU DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH IT HURTS WHEN YOU HIT ME!"

So Trixie, I'm sorry honey. Try and remember the good times: the New Kids on the Block concert, the time we busted your Cavalier upside the Taco Bell at 4am, VenusMedia, Inc. You know you love me.

Posted by The Bunny at 4:50 PM

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Comments

When I was a girl, I used to do Tae Kwon-Do and my sister and I used to kick the shit out of each other every day. Those sweet all days. Now, I jog and she plays rugby -I'm sort of scared of her.

Posted by: mafe at May 10, 2007 07:47 PM

Muay Thai rocks. I equivocate elbows to nature's knives on the human body and knees to hammers or bats. Good luck breaking bones. Don't hurt too many people.

Posted by: Wayland at May 10, 2007 08:18 PM

And we have yet another reason why one should not Piss Off The Bunny!

Posted by: Argent [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 11, 2007 02:50 AM

I love MMA. Though I personally do something that mainly consists of the medieval version of greco-roman wrestling, with a little touch of kickboxing. Since it's supposed to be used as self defence, we also get lectured about when certain techniques are allowed to be used, and what goes beyond legal self defence.
My friends though still consider me brutal and potentially dangerous... nice people, my friends.

Posted by: eva at May 11, 2007 06:35 AM

oh heavens, can we get more pictures of baby bunny please? you are the cutest darn thing I've ever seen - look at that little face!! *ovaries make a break for the door in search of sperm*

Posted by: jolie [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 11, 2007 07:12 AM

Oh sure. That apology will definitely make up for the fact that you used to beat the shit out of me and then accuse me of overreacting when I said you hurt.

Absolutely. All is forgiven.

Posted by: TheTrixie at May 11, 2007 09:09 AM

I train MMA as well and am glad that as a long time reader of this blog you have nothing negative to say about it. I will mention bones very rarely get broken, though orbital sockets can take some damage from a punch. Most of the time the loser gets up and walks home and puts some ice on it. There's really no permanent surgery-requiring damage.

Also the sleeper hold is more usually known as the "rear naked choke" which is a ridiculous name for a very effective move.

Also thank you for none of the condescending comments about homosexualesque situations involving guys in board shorts rolling on the ground.

As far as Croats in MMA there is really only 1 named Mirko "CroCop" Filipovic. The rest are primarily American, Brazilian, Japanese, and Russian.

Bunny Edit: Yes! But Mirko is the shizz!

Posted by: Kuroi Kaze at May 11, 2007 11:46 AM

Dude, no one is ever going to make Homo-Erotic jokes about guys in MMA. It isn't like, say, Pro-Wrestling.

Posted by: Argent [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 11, 2007 12:15 PM

Posted by: Kuroi Kaze at May 11, 2007 12:30 PM

Mirko got the SHIZZ kicked out of his Croat head last UFC. It was the greatest knockout I have seen in years. He is pretty badass, but he got ko'd hard.

Posted by: IndyTruks138 at May 11, 2007 05:11 PM

Add headbutts. Then you can pretend you learnt Muay Thai from the burmese. Well, their version of it.

Posted by: Bully at May 12, 2007 08:05 AM

I'm still a good old fashioned boxing fan--but you are right, the heavyweight matches are a bore. The middleweight and welterweight boxers are in better shape, move faster and can take a punch.

Let us know how the training goes. I'd love to hear more tales of Bunny kicking ass.

Posted by: M at May 12, 2007 10:49 AM

Posted by: Jase at May 13, 2007 08:26 PM

After reading that first sentence, I fully expected to see a Posted by Tucker Max at the end.

Posted by: HalfNelson at May 14, 2007 12:19 AM

That reminds me, you might like to try Krav Maga. Quick, dirty, nasty and great fun. Something good had to come out of the Middle East.

Posted by: Bully at May 14, 2007 03:55 AM

Anything that comes out of the Middle East has got to be better then all those nasty cocks that come out of your ass. Learn a thing or two about history and extrapolate before you criticize an entire region.

Bunny Edit: Is that an invitation? You want me. You want my ass.

Posted by: Jay at May 17, 2007 12:32 AM

On November 13, 2004 I lost my only sister... be lucky to all here that can see and hear their sisters every day. Trust me, no one fills that void. Now everyone go call their sister and tell them that they are loved very dearly... and that you are thankful they are here... I'd give anything to be able to call Cindy, anytime, any day.

~Sherry

Posted by: Sherry at September 14, 2007 01:54 PM

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