Emotions - March 17, 2009

bingo: 'rage virus thingy'...

you're definitely a girl... and a normal girl at that... but don't worry... you don't have to post this if that hurts the reputation...

p.s. - are your posts done over night, or did you just post that this early in the morning? hmm... way too early...

Man, I missed your posts! Nice to see you.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I'd like to blame it on a virus, but then it'd be incurable. It's good that you at least have an idea what might trigger the anger; I still get pissed off, usually scare someone, and then sit and wonder what it was all about.

Anger is one of the most basic emotions -- maybe rage is the only way to release all the pent up "other" emotions. They're harder to express -- how do you express sadness when you're not allowed to cry? Just easier to be angry.

That's bizarre. I had no idea that anyone else on this planet had my 'metronome of fury' trait. Right afterwards, it is like I was never angry in the first place which makes me feel foolish. No grudge, no nothing. Just empty. I liked to think that it was just my 'fight or flight' instincts bubbling to the surface, but there's no real danger there; just an affront to my sensibilities. Another startling realization: I don't feel anything other than fine when I talk about 'emotional' concepts like suicide, etc. It's a funny world we break shit in...

It's kind of soothing to see someone going through similar emotional rediscovery. Personally, I used to be the upbeat, go with the flow, happy-go-lucky girl crying herself to sleep. Now I'm sharing in the intermittent bouts of extreme, overt anger. It's usually over very petty, or even nonexistent "events", and I feel pretty embarrassed about it afterward. Like the time I ripped my backpack open because I'd assumed I was being ignored over text message...

I'm hoping it's just a phase as we all move through therapy. My therapist likes to remind me that anger's an OK emotion, and the only problems it might pose are in how it's expressed. Like punching a wall. Or, say, throwing a phone at someone's mother. Part of the process, at least for me, has been learning how to let all of the emotions see the light of day, even the "bad" ones, without having to worry about killing off my (small) social circle.

It's nice to see your updates. I enjoyed your stories and feel that they really shaped the blog and drew in readers; but I like that your posts seem to be less hindsight and more day-to-day insight nowadays.

You're Irish, that's all. It's normal for them to get upset and destroy shit. Why else do you think we encourage them to drink?

Yeah. I broke my hand a year ago...punching a wall. I was the only person in the room at the time. It hurt like hell and the Dr. bill was a bitch to pay. Wasn't the first time I'd heard the Doc say...'hmmm,a classic Boxers fracture. We're you in a fight'? I always just said 'no' 'cause the only fight I'd been in was with myself. No harm, no foul. But, you know what? It's better to feel that anger than feel nothing at all. That would be like just being dead inside. I'm about a block away from there. Good Luck with the therapy.

i was the same way for several years. it's not a rage virus, nice as that would be for an excuse to go out and beat the shit out of someone for looking at you. believe it or not, it's your emotions *not* coming through

you get pissed, punch a wall and you're okay. i got pissed, thought about killing someone, myself either/or. i wound up just cutting

the shit'll break through eventually

I went through most of my life with very few emotions. Then after I started going to therapy I discovered the emotion "depressed". I suppose it's better than nothing. I'm still hopeful that I'll find the full spectrum hiding inside my brain somewhere one of these days.

It just occurred to me that I might have the full spectrum *now*, but I only feel depressed because my life genuinely sucks that much. But no, I probably should have felt more "happy" when I won that 8k BBJ at the casino last month. There's some kind of blockage there; I'm only feeling surface-level emotions.

I forgot, are you hypothyroid or hyperthyroid? I think hypo...

Rage masks pain, so does numbness and forced laughter, aggressive out of control sex, all different ways to run away from pain, to put a bandaid over the gaping wound.

The problem is Pain locks out everything else - all the things like joy and self-worth. It's like a clogged toilet, until you get it unblocked all the shit just spills out onto the floor instead of going down the drain and out of the house.

It's tough, it's work. And once you get unblocked, you still have to process all of that stinky buildup - mop the floors and scrub down the walls as it were - before you really can start to smell the fresh spring air with the sweet scent of the flowers in bloom.

I can happen, but first you have to allow yourself to feel again.

Hey Erin, you're right, it's hypo (I started reading Bunny's blog from the beginning...she mentions it earlier back there...)

What was your family like, Schmoopy? Tell us, tell us!

Yup, I get the same way, stub my toe, throw a plate. Roommates don't do dishes for days, have to restrain from punching 'em in the face. And the times I'm not in a fit of rage, I'm nothing, just there. Hell, I flip out when people look at me funny. I kinda like being unpredictable, people walk carefully around me and try not to piss me off.

I am so sick of others thinking of my past experiences, feelings and thoughts (and yours, and everyone else's) as 'bad' or 'good'. They happened, there is a cause that needs to be examined, but that is all. Shame and guilt and repression just block the healing. No one knows what's normal, and no one is 100% sane by definition. So fuck your therapist, glad she's not mine.

I have this fascination with my own dandruff. I just shaved my head, and the stuff coming off my scalp can catch my attention for an hour if I let it. What you said to your therapist is your mental dandruff, it is nothing to be ashamed of, its just there. Going to see your therapist is your Selsun Blue: it hastens the removal of your current dandruff and stops new dandruff from forming. So her comment about being ashamed is not only emotionally charged and ridiculous, its like saying scalps do not form dandruff. They all do, some are just more noticeable than others.

I lol'd.

The first thing that popped into my head was some severe form of on and off Tourette's. I can relate, as the sexy ,often shoeless, god of war that I am. I find myself counting on one hand reasons why this or that person deserves to keep their digits, and then singing myself back to a calmer state to the tune of 'the sound of music.' Not only did this thread attract me through shared, usually random rage towards humanity, but also, 28 days later is clearly one of the best zombie movies made in a while. 'REPENT, THE END IS EXTREMELY FUCKING NIGH' ~ Written on a wall in 28 Days Later