Feelings are bullshit - February 4, 2009
At approximately midnight last night, I found one of Maxie's snowboots under my couch next to the tennisball she loves to fetch. It was all coated in Maxie fur of course, which is everywhere, on the back of the couch, static-electrically stuck to the walls, in the drains, in the nooks and crannies, in the air. Fine shiny strands of fancy fur. Its everywhere, and yet, there are no sighs, no growls at passerbys and no appreciative thumps of her tail on the foot of my bed.
So I did what I've been doing since Saturday, which is crumple into a miserable fetal like position and sob till all the moisture in my body is gone and I can't blink my eyes anymore. This one was particularly bad. I found myself on the floor for quite some time, a blubbering lunatic.
Last night I dreamed I was at the foot of a great hill, on the other side of which was a battle. The sky above the hill was full of black projectiles. Maxie was running full speed up the hill, and I screamed to her to stop, but she wouldn't, so she died.
Having feelings again is bullshit. I want to go back to being an addict.
Posted by The Bunny at 10:19 AM
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Comments
why do i feel like i want to save you?
Posted by: Bess at February 4, 2009 10:40 AM
You'll get through this, hon. You're stronger than you think.
Posted by: Lizza at February 4, 2009 11:39 AM
I know you will tell me I am wrong and to fuck off. But I strongly strongly believe that the only way to quell the feelings of sadness is to get a new dog--one that is yours and yours alone, forever. What happened was terrible and traumatic. I don't know you personally, but having dogs myself, I would be beyond grief stricken. But I do know the only thing that will help you overcome this tragedy is to get a new one. Being isolated completely in the desert is not going to help you come around at all. If you sit there in isolation and stew, it will eat you until there is nothing left. Try to move forward, you will slowly heal...as time does help all wounds, even if it can never completely heal them.
Posted by: Goats at February 4, 2009 11:59 AM
I don't think there's anything worse than the silence after your dog leaves (for any reason). Can you get Murph back? Maybe get another shelter dog. The shelters near you probably have fostering programs; you could open your heart to one of the dogs for a few weeks. I'm not saying avoid the pain, but it would definitely lift your spirits.
Posted by: Nadia at February 4, 2009 12:28 PM
Awwww Bunny... Maxie is going to be ok and so are you.
You're so tough and you've come so far. Keep your chin up.
xx
Posted by: I'mNotAPixie at February 4, 2009 01:12 PM
