But the clues were always there. Take my large poos for instance. This is a more common side effect than I was first willing to admit on Tucker's message board. As a teen, my parents had to install a stronger toilet in the house I grew up in just to accommodate my colon. I wasn't allowed to eat cheese, and the staff at the restaurant I worked at in college called me "The mad-clogger." I once got a plunger wrapped in shiny red paper at a christmas party, and no one would admit to being my Secret Santa.

This is what happens when a girl has a low metabolism. Her poops are a dreaded once-a-week sweaty exorcism during which mass amounts of carbon are born and toilets are broken; her circulation is poor, her heart rate is Lance-Armstrong low (without the ripped body unfortunately), and she has no energy to speak of. Even the cows in my sorority at college had more energy than I did. For all the exercising and eating right I did in contrast to their half mile a month workout program I should have looked like Little Jerry Seinfeld mid-cockfight in contrast.

I have likely been sick since puberty. Glandular issues are the most misdiagnosed malady in modern times because the liability in erroneously prescribing medicine is high. People who don't have the disease tend to die of heart attacks from the speedy effect of the supplement. Also, the side effects are much like cancer. Very specious and inconclusive:

1. Low energy/excessive need for sleep,
2. Large poops/constipation (obviously),
3. Thinning hair and eyebrows,
4. Sensitivity to alcohol,
5. Irritable bowel syndrome (I missed half my senior year of high school because of IBS. Painful disease, this one),
6. ADD/mild Dyslexia (I once got lost in Michigan because I couldn't read the road signs. I wasn't even supposed to be in the state),
7. Depressive episodes (Well, that's the world's fault for being so mean),
8. Ravenous cravings for foods that contain Iodine (I eat sushi every day. Every single day. In fact, there's a piece of seaweed caught between my two front teeth as we speak because I am sexy),
9. Poor memory (I don't know where my car is right now. I honestly don't know),
10. Cold hands and feet/low temp

All painful but tolerable. They don't decrease your quality of life that much. That or I might be a really tough bitch and I never knew it. However I left out two side effects that aren't tolerable, mood swings, and shooting joint pain. When not medicated I want to kill myself every other hour. In between those hours I am a happy little bunny. But there is always the shooting pain.

I thought it was a normal part of being alive because I've had it since puberty. It's gotten much worse in the past few years, but it's always been there. I thought everyone had constant aches in every muscle in their bodies, arms, legs, feet, eye sockets, forearms, knees, etc. I thought it was normal to have to jump up and down and scream every hour or so because your right temple feels as if someone laid a railroad spike into it.

It's not normal. And it all went away when I decided to self-medicate. I knew I had this disease, but no doctor would declare my blood work as anything other than "inconclusive." One bitch even accused me of trying to score speed. I went to an online Mexican pharmacy, self-medicated, and I feel like a million dollars for the first time in my life that I can remember. Well, I did feel like a million dollars that is, until the US customs intervened.

I've been without my medicine for four days and I'm a sad case right now. Apparently it is being held up in "US customs." And while the government takes its sweet time deciding whether or not to send it to me, I am trying to talk myself out of suicide every other hour. Right now my left knee is screaming. I wish it had vocal chords so I could call US customs and put it up to the phone, "GAAAARRRRRHHHHHH!!!!!!!! GIVE ME MY MEDICINE YOU COCKSUCKERS!!!!!!"

What's more, there is a wet plunger on my bathroom floor. Oh if there is a God in heaven, please help me. This toilet isn't going to hold out much longer.