Hi there. I'm a number one. - May 30, 2008
Adderall is a miracle drug. I read and read and read, and no one can stop me, God or man--and least of all: the spasticity and mania of my own crazy brain. Adderall sits my brain in the corner for a time out and doesn't let it up to play. I listen to Adderall. It gets through to me. I read till I'm sick in the head, dehydrated, jumping up and down with epiphany. I make notations in the margins of my books. I LEARN. Oh god, it is magical this drug.
Aside from the shakes and sweaty pits. And the TMJ and the IBS. And the pervasive paranoia I often call "Ninjas in the bushes" syndrome, a syndrome I doubt is specific to me, but since I lead a very solipsistic life, I'm claiming that and you can't have it.
But I recently read something that got my brain all fussy and full of new notions. I'm going to write about that now, and you're going to read it.
I assume, dear reader, that you are one of the three types of people who read my site.
1) The cutters. The sad people. The depressed. These are the strugglers, who get to come here and read something they identify with; something that makes them feel less mad at the end of the day.
2) The voyeurs. The ones who like the trainwreck. These people work in offices and fear the world. They are very grown up. They like the kid in me. I'm the frosted side of their shredded wheat.
3) The haters. The downers. The Negative Nancies. These are the men who suffer under homosexual desires they feel socially unable to express; the men who enter into obsessive shared realities with my ex-boyfriend, and thus carefully study and hack away at--as much as is possible via the Internet--what they interpret to be the bud of his Hydra, or me. These are the women who have either slept with and been rejected by my ex-boyfriend, or were just flat out rejected by him altogether; the women who find it necessary to seek out the only girl he ever loved and prove she sucks to assuage their ego.
Now. I never write to number threes. They can suck a dick. I usually write to number ones, and then number twos tend to find what I write kinda wacky and interesting, and everyone is happy, and we all get a good laugh, ha ha ha, silly rabbit, and her silly misadventures.
But in keeping with the theme of this entry I'm crafting, the differences between the ones and the twos are very important to note.
Are you a one? Are you one of those people who finds it very difficult to blend? Are you socially anxious, given to fits of boozing or drugging or any kind of "let's just leave reality for a bit" behaviors? Are you paranoid you're never "normal" enough?
Or are you a two? There's a way of going about living life, and you do it that way? It doesn't seem odd to be around people? Instead, the extreme self-consciousness of a number one seems very odd? Why wouldn't you just get up, go to work, come home and watch TV? Why so many questions? Life just isn't that hard. That's you, Mr. Two. Easy peasy.
Did you know that Adderall is the new weight loss drug of choice? Or rather, it's an old one now. I'm a little behind the 8 ball on weight loss drugs, as I'm not interested in them.
Women in Los Angeles have been going to their doctors and faking ADD to get on Adderall so they can "starve down" so to speak. Women have been buying it off the black market like they do coke, speed, meth or that bizarre racehorse crack called "cutter," the one that forces the body into a skeletal state as if adipose tissue cells were parasites. They don't take Adderall because they can't read. In fact, they don't give a crap about reading at all. Adderall and "starving down" are what they use to look good. To control their body. To be beautiful. To be as materially beautiful as possible, in as limited an ontological understanding of beauty as can be.
Speaking in ontological terms, can't we call this Materialism? That's my new word. I'm so excited to use it, for I always thought it was a word that pertained only to consumption of material goods, or a way of explaining drug use among soccer moms and high suicide rates among suburban dads. It's not. It's an ontological term. It means, philosophically:
The theory that physical matter is the only reality and that everything, including thought, feeling, mind, and will, can be explained in terms of matter and physical phenomena.
Do you see what I did there, right before I explained what the term "Materialism" means? I linked it to drug use and suicide, right? That means I don't like it. I'm only making a value judgment because I prefer the immaterial, not because a life filled with lots of solid, pretty stuff--stuff that makes one comfortable and happy--isn't valid and worthy pursuit. I'd say the majority of people are these number twos, people who prefer to live a material life because it suits their ethos. So why should they reject the material? It wouldn't make sense.
But that's not me. I don't see slaving away at the same menial task to buy another object a good idea. I don't get comfort or pleasure from objects. Things have never moved me. On the contrary, I can pick up and move my entire world in ten minutes, twenty tops. The material aint my bag, never has been, and at 31 I'm going to make the prediction that it never will be. I'm comfortable declaring that.
So I will never use Adderall to look better, to have a more beautifully-shaped object for my brain to sit within, and frankly, I never considered that to be one of the reasons to buy such a drug, but then, I'm one of those number ones.
Last night I walked to a bar down the street from my hippy den. I drank some red wine and had some Ahi tuna with a lady named Thunder. She's a member of the Mowhawk tribe, on a special healing mission, the spiritual immensity of which was lost to me and my WASPY/material ways of thinking--leftover habits from my upbringing among very material Boomer parents. The bartender was a German guy named Christian, a Satanist named Christian. We all thought that was very funny, as were his stories about smuggling diamonds from France into Berlin. "If the French police stopped me, I would slide a diamond into their glove. And they would always let me go. I would drive 120 miles per hour on the Autobahn, white-knuckling the steering wheel. By the time I got back to Berlin, I would be down six quarts." And his accent was such that "the Autobahn" sounded like "zee Autobahn," and "six quarts" sounded like "seex qvorts."
[Aside: Christian teaches Tantra by day to make ends meet. Who teaches Tantra for shits giggles?]
I got very drunk on wine with my number one friends, and then stumbled back to my hippy den. It was a dark night, too dark to see the road, and so I decided to sit on a log aside the road and sing songs until it was daylight again. I sang every song I could remember, and then got very bored and started text messaging everyone in my phone the same thing, or:
"The eagle flies at midnight."
I thought it was so very funny at the time, though only two of my friends texted me back. I wanted to share with them the hilarity of Christian, and the earnestness of Thunder. I wanted them to know I was totally surrounded in blackness and stars, and couldn't have cared less about the darkness. I felt in total isolation and very good about it. They should have known that Adderall is wonderful drug, and that I have LEARNED on it.
But no one knew anything because it was a Thursday at 2am mountain time, and they were all sleeping, getting ready for a day at their very sensible, grown up jobs, getting ready to call me at 2pm mountain time the next day. A call I won't answer, for sensible friendly conversations with number twos at appropriate hours aint my bag.
No one knew, and as you can see, I felt very unloved. Irrationally.
I could have one of those jobs they go to. I have had them in the past. The whole world has jobs like that and does just fine on them. But then, it seems, the world is run by number twos, and I'm one of those kooky number ones, often plagued by loneliness at odd hours--number one hours--I feel totally alive at.
It's a number two world.
I got to thinking about the material versus the immaterial while reading this wonderful book. It's called The Mind and the Brain; Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force. It was written by a doctor named Jeffrey M. Schwartz whose specialty is in the treatment of Obsessive Compulsive patients by use of redefinition of negative memories and the often destructive behaviors connected to them into positive behaviors. In doing so, Dr. Schwartz discovered that patients were often able to use their mind to change and reshape their brain. Again, his patients were using their mind--the immaterial "them"--to reshape their brain, the complex lump of cells in their skulls, the place where everything can be explained by cause and effect Nueroscience.
So that's quite shocking, no? Dr. Schwartz says the immaterial changes the material. He says the power to change lies in the immaterial part of our mentality. No one agrees with him, of course, and this is why:
The neuroscientist has precisely described the stimulus--light of a precise wavelength. She has meticulously traced the brain circuits that are activated by this stimulus. And she has been told, told, by her volunteer, that the whole sequence adds up to a perception of red. Can we now say that [a] neuroscientist knows, truly and deeply knows, the feeling of seeing red?...there is a very real difference between understanding the physiological mechanism of perception and having a conscious perceptual experience...a neural state is not a mental state.
Well, no shit. Any number one understands that implicitly.
Materialism, of course, is the belief that only the physical is ontologically valid and that, going even further, nothing that is not physical--of which mind and consciousness are the paramount examples--can even exist in the sense of being a measurable, real entity (This approach runs into problems long before minds and consciousness enter the picture: time and space are only two of the seemingly real quantities that are difficult to subsume under the materialist umbrella).
He goes on to say:
For the most part, the inevitable corollary of materialism known as identity theory--which equates brain with mind and regards the sort of neuron-to-neuron firing pattern leading to the perception of color as a full explanation of our sense of red--has the field by the short hairs. The materialist position has become virtually synonymous with science, and anything nonmaterialist is imbued with a spooky sort of mysticism (cue Twilight Zone theme). Yet it is a misreading of science and its history to conclude that our insights into nature have reduced everything to the material.
Whoa. Without getting too extreme. Without going off on an otherworldy tangent that'll blow this cute little musing out to the end of one of my poles--black or white. Without casting hipster fire and brimstone at anything mainstream, I have to say I think Mr. Schwartz is right on and a hip cat. I've never liked Science. It rejects the immaterial, and I'm of the number oneish ilk, the rejectors of the material.
But this raises all sorts of fuzzy questions.
Could it be that there's an ungathered, unorganized society of number ones living uncomfortably in a number two world with no representation, screaming "There is more!" while told their very immaterial interests and perspectives are bizarre, or "spooky mysticism," or just plain erroneous? Could it be that a number one in a number two world doesn't have a chance at normalcy or comfort? Or does it mean, perhaps, that by taking a more material approach to life, a number one can tether themselves to a healthy middle ground, where slight kookiness is balanced with stability and reason?
Shit, I don't know. I'm just glad I know mainstream Science is a little bit full of shit, because I always thought it was me who was wrong. Suddenly, I feel kind of good about my inner kook. Thank you Mr. Schwartz.
Posted by The Bunny at 4:27 PM
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Your first category should also probably include those of us know have loved ones that you remind us of.
Posted by: MoreCowbell at May 30, 2008 04:46 PM
Aaaand that comment made no sense. Insert who for know. I'm not quite sure what happened with that sentence.
Posted by: MoreCowbell at May 30, 2008 04:58 PM
More about Dr. Schwartz here:
Posted by: Steph at May 30, 2008 07:03 PM
Thank you for writing that. It all seems crazy real to me right now, I appreciate it.
ps - I feel like I'm a 1.5 :(
Posted by: RW at May 30, 2008 09:22 PM
This strayed dangerously close to the Heidigger/Hegel/Kant phenomenology course I took from a Belgian dude named Taminiaux.
My interpreters had such a hard time with him, not because of his accent, but because he had this interstitial pauses manner of talking that really forced them to slow down and listen.
And they were listening to something a lot like this: "Does the judgment... 'I'm visually experiencing redness'... (for example)... contain a visual experience of redness? Does it itself... contain the phenomenology... of red... not merely assert the existence... of red phenomenology... but actually include that phenomenology?"
The professor left halfway through the course, stranding all the graduate students, and I, the lone undergrad, got a B.
Posted by: Tree Frog at May 30, 2008 09:59 PM
WOW! Bunny, your writing is aweseome. I don't know if I'm a 1, 2, or a 7 (probably a 2), but whatever...good stuff.
I wish I could be as open as you! And write like you!
Thanks, keep up the good work.
Posted by: Jeff at May 30, 2008 11:29 PM
Heh annoyingly enough i'm a philosophy student and I have an exam on this stuff today, and here was me coming here to get a break from that, darn you bunny!
Posted by: Unda at May 31, 2008 02:37 AM
You make me happy.
Posted by: Anonymous at May 31, 2008 03:19 AM
It figures that you would forget the #4s: people who enjoy your writing and appreciate you for what you are.
PS: I have been on Adderall for about 3 years now. Eventually I figured out that I am not alone and neither are you. It took me 30 years to find out that I am not the only one who is like this.
Oh yeah - and I love to read now as well - not that I always didn't, but now I CAN.
Posted by: Dan at May 31, 2008 08:54 AM
This reminds me of a simple thought that I get over and over. I am more powerful than I can possibly imagine. It seems that most of our focus as humans has always been on physical power. There is so much more to us though, I feel like we (as a generation) can bridge some of the gaps in understanding human capability.
Posted by: R at May 31, 2008 11:45 AM
Let me put it like that - never, ever, waste some of your precious ability to read on Dawkins. It'll just make you want to kick something. Hard.
Instead, Descartes might be nice.
Posted by: Eva at May 31, 2008 11:49 AM
The best thing about your writing is the honesty of it. I'm willing to bet that draws a lot of the twos here.
Posted by: Alice at May 31, 2008 02:24 PM
Call me crazy, but I don't really fit any of those.
I'm closer to a 1.5 than a 1,2, or 3.
I also think you should make a clearer distinction between materialism and consumerism.
Just because I think that there is no soul, that the mind is the brain and vice versa doesn't mean that I value every little yuppie widget there is.
Nor would I say that because there is no such thing as a soul or an afterlife or anything that life is any less meaningful.
Life has as much meaning as its participants are willing to give it.
Feel free to disagree, of course. It's philosophy, after all, not science.
Why get so down on science anyway? It only deals with the material, it simply cannot make heads or tails of claims regarding the immaterial. I may not believe in the immaterial, but that's not because science proves that it doesn't exist (because science proves nothing of the sort).
Posted by: Matt at May 31, 2008 04:02 PM
Honestly, I just think you have a knack for writing, and I have a thing for understanding everybody I meet/hear about/whatthehellever else you have. So I'm a #5 extra value meal, with a coke please. But seriously, first time commenter but I've read for a long time. Keep it up, I for one think this stuff kicks ass.
Posted by: Luke at May 31, 2008 05:18 PM
Of course, things like mind, consciousness, time, and above all existence are hard to explain in purely material terms (the fact that things exist is hard to explain in any terms). However, since such an overwhelming number of things that were previously thought to have immaterial causes have since been shown to have material ones, it seems reasonable to expect, or at least to look for, material causes for things we still haven't explained. At least, that's my perception of the current scientific consensus (not to hide behind the defense of "I'm only quoting someone else..." because I tend to agree).
I also agree pretty wholeheartedly with matt. Just because you think a certain way doesn't mean the world works that way, or that you have to believe things that fit with how you would prefer the world to work. And, of course, vice-versa - just because the world works a certain way doesn't mean your thinking has to reflect that either. After all, if you buy materialism, the human species is really programmed to think in ways that don't mirror reality at all - in terms of purpose, for example - and we're much happier deluded. Some of the best writing about this dynamic (and some of my favorite writing, period) is from the early twentieth century when the existentialists and some modernists began to reject meaning and purpose in life, and wrote about finding meaning even when they knew (or believed) it didn't exist. If you haven't read the poetry of Robinson Jeffers, I recommend it. If you read Spanish, the book "San Manuel Bueno, Martir" by Miguel de Unamuno is good too.
On a side note, I find the rough categorization of people into "ones" and "twos" and whatnot somewhat annoying. I understand you're really just trying to identify different ways of thinking, and that it's not meant to be a universal absolute (if that was your intention, we've got a whole other disagreement to deal with), but when people start separating each other into categories it's not long before they do think in absolute terms, and not long at all before they get hostile and self-righteous.
I suppose I'm being fairly critical and probably coming across as condescending. I have to say that I enjoy your writing, and particularly your candor. It's an interesting worldview and set of experiences you have - one that couldn't be much further from mine (the experiences, I mean. Although the worldviews differ as well). Thank you for being so open, because that's almost always what makes the best writing, and certainly what makes the best thinking.
Posted by: Riordan at May 31, 2008 08:06 PM
Just to fill you in on where I'm coming from, I'm a neuroscientist with a solid belief that mind is an emergent property of the brain....this would be a highly materialist position I suppose, but I nonetheless would brand myself a 1.5. I'm sure I'm not the only one to do this. I don't think it's a wishy-washy position to take though, and there's a video I saw recently that supports this.
If you take the content of this video as more than just an anecdotal example of one person's experience, it could mean that 1-ness and 2-ness are correlated with being right- versus left-brained. Continuing that thought, 1 and 2 are no longer dichotomous, but lie on a continuum with extreme 1-ness and extreme 2-ness anchoring the ends. To drag it out further, there's no reason why one shouldn't oscillate between these poles over time, meaning that at some point we've all been ones and we've all been twos.
Anyway, worth it if you've got 20 minutes and nothing to do.
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/229
Oh, and I think a 3 is just a 2 with a chip on his shoulder.
Posted by: Kevin at June 1, 2008 09:15 AM
One more thing you might find interesting is some work on how happiness (I suppose this could be considered a measure of how well one fits in with society, and thus an indicator of 2-ness) is linked with self-deception. This idea is expressed in a show from Radio Lab (a New York public radio show):
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2008/02/29
The section on self-deception is in the last 12 minutes of the show. I found it extremely interesting....it left the 1 in me feeling quite vindicated, though still depressed.
Posted by: Kevin at June 1, 2008 10:01 AM
I am most certainly a number one, and also a scientist. (Biologist turned nursing student.) It's a strange way to live, but I've always been made of conflict. Some days, the kookiness overcomes my reason. Other days I just want to put my head in the oven. But I'm getting better at this shit.
Posted by: Cori at June 1, 2008 01:03 PM
This is like a Ryan Holiday post with quirky emotion rather than disciplined perspective.
Posted by: Alex at June 1, 2008 01:47 PM
i'm a 1. just lost my grandmother after 27 years of having her, and i can't cope. but, through 15 years or so of therapy i am finaly realizing that i have to make myself happy -- that noone or nothing else is going to do it.
is that me or the booze talking? either way, i made the realization. so there, life. take THAT!!
Posted by: Courtney at June 1, 2008 10:37 PM
there is an interesting conversation between richard davidson (wisconsin neuroscientist who has done brain scans on monks to see the neuroplastic effects of meditation) and daniel goleman (author of emotional intelligence). it deals with the possibilities of neuroplasticity, there are free samples to listen to on www.morethansound.net but it costs to download the whole thing.
Bunny Edit: The next three books in my queue are Daniel Goleman books. Thanks for the link.
Posted by: david at June 2, 2008 08:43 AM
something else for a bunny brain to nibble on:
a girl in my department did a poster last year about the effects of child neglect/abuse on DNA regulation in the brain. Not only did she find that abuse/neglect affected DNA regulation, but that those changes can be inherited (to some degree). It was all very preliminary stuff, but if she's right, it makes a big mark against Darwinism by indicating our actions and experiences might dictate our own evolution.
science as a whole has a gigantic blind spot, but you can still find all sorts of nifty things within it.
Posted by: mary at June 2, 2008 01:39 PM
That stuff about passing on acquired traits is really interesting. Apparently if you train a group of rats to run mazes, their offspring are much better at running mazes than other rats. Also, and this is just anecdotal stuff right now (but amazingly cool) there are stories of organ donation recipients developing new mental capacities from their donors (say hearing music differently if you get a liver from a violinist). So if that's true then there's a strong psychosomatic component to DNA regulation. I wouldn't say that's a mark against Darwinism though, because it does involve variations in DNA being passed on - doesn't have to be random mutation. I think it probably represents a modification of the theory though. I mean, at base modern Darwinism is just the truism that stable things persist. The complicated part is tracing all of the specific steps the various species take.
Also, I'd be curious to know - what is this giant blind spot science has? Not being sarcastic or anything, I think I know what you're talking about but I'd like to make sure.
Posted by: Riordan at June 2, 2008 02:53 PM
I'd have to say I'm a number four as well. I'm just here, and appreciate what you do, and you as well for who you are.
One of the things I've reasoned is that number ones -seem- to be happier than twos, because ones elicit the most attention and adoration. Twos on the other hand, are ordinary and feel uninteresting. Ones envy the twos' abilities to live life in seeming fulfillment, but the kicker is that very few people actually achieve fulfillment. My role, as a four is to ignore the ways of both ones and twos. I, however, envy both. The ones for being charismatic, likable, and interesting, and the twos for having stability and a decent life.
As for the whole philosophic banter, I've read the comments, and it's come to remind me of what Master Sun, Miyamoto Musashi, and Bruce Lee taught. E.g. "Having no style is a style." Our universe seems to be run by paradox, and I suppose only by accepting them can you live in harmony.
Posted by: Blank at June 2, 2008 06:36 PM
Everyone else seemed to turn into a writer after reading this. Interesting. Much love.
Posted by: Wayland at June 2, 2008 08:57 PM
so, in my mind the main thing about darwinism is its implication that there is no order behind the generation of living organisms. basically, that all of the organisms alive today are a result of the collective genetic pool trying out a bunch of random shit and going with whatever happened to work best. this allowed scientists to thumb their noses at the church and the idea of an order, or universal force, or god behind all existence.
but if you take away or start to question the idea of genetic evolution based on random mutation you have to figure out where, then, the change is originating from.
this puts the idea of universal order, or god or whatever, back on the table. scientists (as scientists of course, not as individuals) resist this notion because currently there is no way to measure or test the idea of god or universal order. also, it would mean all modern biology is based on a false premise (and the church was closer to the truth all along).
the problem, or blind spot, i was referring to is that all modern biology is based on the idea that everything can be explained by looking at it closely enough. it is, as bunny defined, a completely materialistic view of the world: if you see a protein and crystallize its structure then thats all there is to it, what you can see. the more we learn, the less this seems to be true.
(as a side note, the dogma of random mutation being the source for all genetic diversity is unfalsifiable, therefore unscientific, but nobody likes to talk about that. :))
i hope i was clear...im a shitty writer and originally posted just to impress the bunny in hopes it might one day get me into her pants.
Posted by: mary at June 3, 2008 10:27 AM
I seem to remember someone posting something about this on RMMB a long time ago...
"Come on now, sweetie. Three categories? There are infinite categories."
Who would say something like that? And why can't there be a category for well adjusted people who think you're funny?
Posted by: Patrick at June 3, 2008 11:05 PM
Read read read Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh.
Posted by: Lateraldog at July 11, 2008 07:49 AM
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