His and hers (more complaints about sexuality) - October 6, 2007

"The only solution we have to stop gays from recruiting other people is to cut off the source. They need to be taken to specialized containment centers where they will be forced to become straight and accept Jesus as thier [sic] savior and to repent from their disgusting, wicket [sic], hatful [sic?], devilish ways. Those that refuse to go can either be forced, or banished from society in other specialized communities where they have no connetion [sic] to the outside world at all. Most would die of AIDS anyway. Anyone who refused any of the answers to make them better would have to be killed or banished."

~The wisdom of "Meg," a member of the Myspace.com "Anti-gay Club", Aug-24-2007

Fundies. Ah, the fundies. How I love to read the webbings that spring forth from their illogical little minds. I have a clandestine user account on the TrueChristian.org message board--clandestine but active--the private message backlog of which makes my account over at the Death Metal message board read like a Disney script.

"If God doesn't kill all the faggots soon I think we should do it in his honore [sic]," says Xion8767.

"Ur [sic] a faggot for thinking faggots r [sic] ok [sic]," adds AngelEyes9. I thought eating the occasional pussy made me a "faggot," but clearly faggotry extends beyond the borders of my own silly definition. I thank AngelEyes9 for setting me straight--no pun intended.

I've spent a good amount of time conversing with fundies, and I say I'd rather bareback an amphetimized Renato Sobral than chill with a fundie. I think it would be safer. What if I checked out a pair of fundie tits? I'd be sent to a fundie death camp in somebody's basement, and you can be sure they wouldn't show me the decency or compassion of finishing the choke before pulling out the branding irons. At that point, I might as well be Jewish.

Man, people fucking hate gays. You'd think this would be the reason I don't come out as a big old lesbo, but its not. Everybody tells me this: they say, "Bunny, bisexuality is just a trainstop on the way to GayTown." I hate that one. You know why I hate that one? Because I'd gladly live in either one, should I fit the bill. The towns between GayTown (where everyone and everything but teal are accepted with open arms and legs) and StraightTown don't exist. It's all open territory between the two, like the hinterlands between Manhattan and Provincetown. If you aren't gay, and I'm just not, you don't relate to anyone in GayTown. If you're not straight, and I'm just not, you don't relate to anyone in StraightTown. So you strike out on your own, right? Open territory can be dangerous. Open territory is like Wyoming; scenic, but when you get upitty you get tied to a split rail fence and beaten gelatenous. There are no parades in open territory. There is no identity, no boundaries, no pride. Nothing is clear. Your sexuality is completely undefined. You like pink, but can really wield a circular saw. You Brazilian wax, yet eschew the dress. Your perfect man is hairy, and sweaty; he chops wood and has double D tits (how fucked up is that?)

I sort of intimately know this sexy lesbian--story to come--who was much younger than me, but had picked up some wisdom I missed in life. She said, "Don't be bisexual. It is confusing and sad. If you're bi, just be gay. It's easier."

Sometimes I think about that when I get ready for my day. My medicine cabinet has toothpaste, a bottle of aspirin, an almost fully unused case of eyeshadow and two bottles of scent in it. When I go for the dental floss, I'm reminded of my sexual confusion. The two bottles of scent I own are the Armani "His" and "Hers" bottles, the black and gold ones--the "His" version--cologne--sporting a tiny outcropping near the spritzer hole, suggestive of a penis, and the "Hers" version--perfume--sporting an indentation near the spritzer hole, suggestive of a vagina. If you put the bottles together, they fuck. When I go out with a woman, I put on the "His." When I go out with a man, I put on the "Hers." I think, Holy shit, this is confusing, but how can I live without cock?

You know, I could always just follow the advice of BrianOfFaith, and "kill the gay satan within [me] with prayer and love for Christ," but I've come to sort of like gay satan. I think he's very misunderstood. He brings me immense pleasure. I pray to him. I say, "Dear Gay Satan, send me a burly, sweaty man with big tits." Maybe this Christmas he'll come through. If he does, well sheesh, that's better than dying for my sins. Sorry Jesus, but it is. And really, what's the difference between the devil and a fundie? It's nominal.

Posted by The Bunny at 12:18 AM

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Comments

Jesus fuck, Bunny, bella you're the bomb. I've missed your blog entires so very much these past few months...

Posted by: Snowblood at October 6, 2007 02:05 AM

Jesus fuck, Bunny; bella you're the bomb. I've missed your blog entires so very much these past few months...

Posted by: Snowblood at October 6, 2007 02:12 AM

Not to intrude on your personal space or anything, but the burly guy with huge knockers you're looking for is named Robert Paulsen. You can find him in Fight Club (though sadly, he has passed.)

Posted by: Mike at October 6, 2007 02:59 AM

You crack me up, Bunny. Even when you're being kinda serious, you always make room for the humor. It's something a really admire in writers, and you're definitely admirable.

I hope you find your sexual peace in the world, somehow.

Posted by: Patch at October 6, 2007 04:42 AM

aw, buns you're back! how i've missed your stories. a. kinsey would have loved you. did i see you drinking bun-quila out of some chick's crotch a month or so ago? bad bunny.

Bunny Edit: Was it at Barney's Beanery? Then yeah, that was me. Hi. ;)

Posted by: gingerlocks at October 6, 2007 09:38 AM

you can find a guy with big tits . . . and a big gut

Posted by: not a doktor at October 6, 2007 06:48 PM

Bunny, you amaze me. You express exactly how I feel. I've been confused my whole life about my sexuality. Do I like boys? Do I like girls? How can I have crushes on both? What's the matter with me? It sucks, but at least I now know I'm not the only one.

Posted by: LabExperiment at October 7, 2007 01:25 AM

Keep on doing what you do, Bunny. 'Ain't no body better.

Posted by: colin at October 7, 2007 08:56 AM

Right there with you! I have always known I was bisexual, always. And you are definitely right; gays don't understand it and ostracize you from their "community" because you are NOT "really" gay and heterosexuals feel you are gay because you are not completely straight. Their loss!

Posted by: samtosha at October 7, 2007 11:14 AM

I don't know what I'd do if I was confused about what I liked. I'm a straight guy and a Christian. I'm sorry you're so torn by society. Much love...really.

Posted by: Wayland at October 7, 2007 01:55 PM

WOOO, Bunnypost! Happy birthday, me! :)

Posted by: rien at October 7, 2007 08:01 PM

Now, these man boobs you speak of; must they be "real" or can they be "strap on" ala Mrs. Doubtfire? Do prosthetics count? What if your ideal man with boobs should ever need a mastectomy? Would your love wane then?

Posted by: Euphonious at October 8, 2007 02:51 PM

Hey Bunny,
I'm a huge fan of your blog and Trixies. I'm also a Southern Baptist minister. Your writing is amazingly powerful. There's no excuse for the hate you're encountering. We're not all assholes. Keep up the writing and the MMA. Who's Randy going to fight next?

Bunny Edit: You fuckin' rock.

Posted by: TheReverend at October 9, 2007 06:13 PM

Is Gay Satan part of the GayKK?

Posted by: gravyboat at October 10, 2007 10:27 PM

As a Christian, I find the whole "hate the sinner AND the sin" rhetoric very offensive. (HELLO people, it's hate the sin NOT the sinner.)
It bothers me when people twist the Bible (like the constitution and everything else) to fit their own agendas.
They seem to be forgetting two important verses...
"Judge not, lest ye be judged" as well as "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Last I checked the God that I worship doesn't preach hatred towards your fellow man.
I don't know the one that these people are talking about...never have, never will.
That is MAN making God in his image.
Incidentally, I am Catholic AND a Republican....see, we're not ALL evil *wink*.

Posted by: M. at October 11, 2007 10:28 AM

I love this post. I live in edmonton, and there is an election running right now. This man, Bill Whatcott, is running for mayor. He has been arrested in Ontario, Saskatchewan, and the US for gay hate crimes. He's had fines up to 17,500$ for flyers he distributed bashing the homosexual lifestyle. The edmonton police are watching him because these flyers he sent out say that homosexuality is an abomination and he supports criminializing being gay. And yet he is still allowed to run for mayor for some reason. If you google him, the first thing that comes up is "Police investigating Christian activist for hate crimes". It is crazy. And really grinding my gears if you know what i mean. I am bisexual, and kind of concerned that there are people actually supporting him, and I need to vent about it.

Posted by: Jewels at October 11, 2007 03:41 PM

I carry around hippie skirts in my backpack when I ride my motorcycle so that I can change when I reach my destination. I wouldn't dream of a summer without either one.

Posted by: mary at October 11, 2007 04:10 PM

Oh, Bunny. They say that ignorance is bliss, and sometimes I think it is... I would almost rather pretend that such intolerant people don't exist; but, as they also say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You have to be conversant with the rhetoric to have any chance of fighting it. I hope those who choose to spew such hateful bile don't succeed in getting you down too much. We bleeding heart liberals need to stick together... xox.

Posted by: janetteduparis at October 11, 2007 05:17 PM

wow, you're the first person i've ever heard admit to wanting a man with boobs, im bi and i want the same thing

you're absolutely right about not fitting into either community. i've found that i can fit into the straight community when im with a man but when im with a woman i cant fit in to either (im a woman). weird? i think so

Posted by: s at October 15, 2007 01:17 AM

Hey darlin,
Glad to see you blogging again. As to your own sexuality, I say fuck em if they can't take a joke. Your life is your own and your bisexuality hurts no one. I find it quite ironic that the fundies' view of Gays mirrors Ahmadinajad's-who they believe is completely evil.
Take care of yourself
Love ya.

Posted by: Pinheads at October 15, 2007 11:21 PM

I've somehow convinced my boyfriend to dress as a woman for Halloween, and I'm actually a little too excited. So yeah, I hear you on the man with breasts thing. Heh. But seriously, thanks for this post. This is exactly the thing I've been coming to terms with. Honestly, I wish I was either straight or gay sometimes. It'd just be so much easier. Sigh.

Posted by: k at October 22, 2007 10:55 PM

Bunny,
As a quiet bi who gets harassed the internet (on writing forums, for god's sake), I'm with you. Thank you for writing this.

Posted by: Mame at October 23, 2007 09:25 AM