There is an up side. I view the world with such dreamy optimism I'm sometimes overcome with emotion. These are the times that puppy is more than happy to cuddle. The times I happily bounce through grocery stores like an actual bunny, or counsel strangers in bars, or tap dance around my kitchen singing show tunes. Oh Christ, I didn't just type that. Yes I did. Oh well, what the hell.

Focus. Back to the point. The strangers in the bars that I counsel are sometimes, well, needy. Take Milos for instance, the Croatian cab driver I met at Fred's the night Vinyard tried to slaughter a van full of Mexicans. Milos was a captain in the Croatian army during the war. He has seen many horrible things, and likes to tell me about them in great detail whenever I visit Fred's. I know the exact position brother Crutspa was standing in when the infidels slaughtered him with six bullets to the stomach. Another tequila please. It's going to be a long night.

But Milos is a great guy. He moved to America, worked his ass off, is starting his own company and will be able to retire in ten years. Here in America he doesn't have to boil his pee to treat his cuts any more. There are no goats anywhere, and even if there were, he wouldn't have to watch them to ensure his soldiers wouldn't fuck them. And, Oh how he loves "MACK dohnols" and their lovely "drink of dee orangees."

Milos is so interesting that I invited him to my lesbian wedding. No, I am not getting married to a woman. I am just pretending to marry one of my friends so that we can have a lesbian strip club bachlorette party. I haven't gotten over my non VIP status in VIP rooms. I want vindication. Vinyard and Tucker are going to be our co-best men. Imagine the sympathy pussy they will get.

But when I tried to explain the situation to Milos he didn't understand.

Me: We're pretending that I am going to marry another girl. Then I will get lots of kisses from other girls too and everyone will have fun.

Milos: I sorry, from girls? I no know.

Me: We're pretending to be lesbians.

Milos: Les. bi. ans? What that mean?

Me: When a girl only wants to be with girls. She doesn't want to be with boys.

Milos: There are girls with girls here? I no understand. How do they get married and have thee childrens?

Me: Milos, there are no lesbians in Croatia?

Milos: No. Is absurd.

Well we all had a good laugh and parted ways. Vinyard tried to kill people in the street, then we went home and passed out. Last Saturday night Tucker and I went back to Fred's. Milos was there dressed in a three piece suit and beret.

Milos: There ees something we need talk.

Me: Sure bud. What's up?

Milos: I know you are not dee lesbian.

Me: [laughing] Oh really?

Milos: You just need to go to God and pray for him help.

Me: Oh I don't know.

Milos: Yes. Many times in past. I have problem. I go to God and ask him help. He give me right way.

Me: I need another beer.

Milos: He will help you see right way. I know you not lesbians.

Me: Tucker?

Milos: I will pray with you. You will see.

Then Milos launched into a long story about a plot of land he is buying on lake Michigan. He is retiring soon and wants to have 'dee childrens.'

"Ees good land for you, no? You want to have babees?"

"Okay. Okay. That's enough. I'm going to go take a piss and then you're going to go talk to that girl over there in the flapper costume okay?"

"Okay. But one more."

"What buddy."

"I know you no lesbians."

"And how do you know that?"

"Because you make me hard."

So that was my last conversation with Milos. I hope he finds what he's looking for. He's a great guy.