Maxie is smart - April 9, 2007
People don't believe me when I say Maxie is a genius. Try this on for size:
I was cutting up a watermelon one Sunday evening, when I got into a phone fight with an ex-boyfriend over some bullshit. It was late and I was a bit exasperated, flailing my watermelon-soaked knife around so that drops of it were splattering about the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom. Anywhere I stomped. Maxie was following me around, licking it up, for Maxie loves watermelon above all special treats. Murph would have joined her, but yelling makes her nervous. She hid beneath the bed.
When I could gain no ground in the fight, I hung up the phone and threw the knife in the sink. I called the mutts into the bedroom, shut the door and went to bed. I had to be up at 6am for work (this was when I worked at that killer retail design firm. I miss them).
Now, it should be said that Maxie is prone to horrible "episodes" of bleeding diarrhea. She has been since the day we brought her home from doggy jail. Several vets have poked and prodded her, and scanned her little insides. They've told me she was "just made that way," and that I should keep her on the preservative-laden Iams, but give her Pepcid AC before she ate it--so those preservatives would go down easier. This was before I realized that practitioners of Western medicine were essentially worthless at balancing the body, and that going to a practitioner of western medicine to fix your insides was akin to hiring a roofer to eradicate your termite infestation. Slap so'mmore shingles on that bastard! I'm glad I got to see an Xray of Maxie's cute little insides, though. Her little doggy organs are adorable.
So, via Eastern medicine, I totally healed Maxie of her bleeding poo problem. She had been a year without a tummy problem on the night of the watermelon fight, but at 3am, there she was beside me, shaking like a leaf in her trademark, "Mom I've got to poo blood" quiver. I was pretty upset.
I took her outside, where she did her trademark squat, poo, move, squat, poo, move maneuver for a good thirty minutes in a giant circle on the grass. I shuddered at the thought of all the poo I'd have to clean up in the morning.
On the way back to the bedroom, Max lingered in the kitchen beneath the cutting board. When I caught her spying the treat, she shook off the gaze. "What? Huh? I wasn't looking at the watermelon." I brought the dogs back into the bedroom and shut the door.
At 5am, there was the shaking again. I was shocked. Maxie hadn't had a tummy problem in a year, and she had never had it twice in one evening. I took her outside where she repeated the tedious squat, poo, move maneuver for another twenty minutes. The sun was coming up; I wasn't eager to watch it rise upon the yard full of poo I'd have to rinse down before work. Blech.
I brought the girls back inside, and crashed onto my bed where I fell to sleep pretty quickly, despite the suspicious sounds coming from the kitchen. At 6am, I rose to find no poop in the backyard and no watermelon on the cutting board. That's right. She laid next to me in that locked up bedroom thinking "How am I going to work this? How am I going to get at that watermelon?" She then faked two tummy aches to get at it.
This wasn't even her best effort. I liked the time she pissed on Tucker's pillow and framed it on Murph better. Too bad she didn't realize Murph's denim hot pants were a doggy diaper meant to catch pee. She's smart, but she's not that smart.
Posted by The Bunny at 3:05 PM
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She actually pretended to have bloodpoo in order to be able to get out & access the watermelon? That was a charade, the quivering, squatting, etc.? Was that all planned out, she thought out that whole plan, complete with shit-charade and timing, and everything? jesus. If so, that's pretty amazing. That is one deviously smart puppy. Criminally intelligent.
Posted by: Snowblood at April 9, 2007 04:58 PM
Maxie and Murph sound like the canine version of "Pinky and the Brain." Have you ever seen that cartoon?
"What are we going to do tonight, Maxie?"
"The same thing we do every night, Murph: plan to take over the WORLD!"
"Narf!"
Once, I had made myself the mother of all turkey-bacon-club sandwiches. Toasted the bread and everything. I sat in the living room with the sandwich on a plate, watching a baseball game, when my golden retriever Astro came limping into the room, looking pathetic. I leapt up to see what was the matter, and while I was in motion, that dog scooted to the table--sans limp, mind you--swooped in on my plate and swallowed the entire sandwich in one gulp.
His nickname was "Sir Laurence Olivier" for quite some time after that.
Posted by: M at April 9, 2007 05:01 PM
So why do so many people look so incredulous when I tell them they're dumber than my dog?
Posted by: Chris at April 9, 2007 09:40 PM
Well, Chris, your dog could be not as smart as Maxie. Your dog could be the Tom Cruise to Maxie's Rain Man.
And we all know Tom Cruise is a short, crazy man.
"I'm in LOVE, I'm IN LOVE, I'M IN LOVE!"
Posted by: Kelsey at April 11, 2007 09:08 PM
What did the eastern docs do for Maxie that the Western ones didn't? Color me curious.
Posted by: Rogue at April 12, 2007 04:33 AM
(Rogue wants to hear kinky tales of doggy chakras)
Posted by: HybridVigor at April 12, 2007 06:07 PM
Who doesn't?
Posted by: Rogue at April 13, 2007 12:59 PM
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