I had just broken up with my first boyfriend. We had been dating for four years, when one night while he was away at his college in the bowels of Pennsylvania, I went out to a bar. I met a girl named Julie and after three flaming doctor peppers she began to tell me all about her long sexual history. One exploit took place in the kitchen of our local Red Lobster where she waitressed during her summers. She had fucked a line cook with tattoos and piercings in the cooler. I asked what the name of the line cook was, and sure enough it was my boyfriend, who's cheesy-biscuit eating ass I had to put up with that summer as well as the rank smell of fried fifth-rate seafood.

Come to find out, there were many Julies. I don't know if he fucked them at the Red Lobster, but there were a lot of them. This was especially depressing because I had never cheated on him nor entertained the thought of doing so. I lost twenty pounds thinking about it.

Then the anger started, and anger mixed with heartbreak mixed with a vagina equals a slut. I became a raging heartless one for approximately a month.

I had eight boyfriends. Why? Because I fucking could. I had deduced through experimentation the real secret of winning men: total bitchery. I dressed like a whore, wore entirely too much makeup, treated men like shit and remorselessly broke their hearts. And let me tell you, it worked. Men are fucked up.

I distinctly remember sitting and laughing at a man while he knelt next to me with a dozen roses and begged me to stop cheating on him. This man was hot, and smart, and though he had no interest in me when I treated people with respect he sure loved me now. What the fuck was he thinking? I still don't know.

Eventually the pain of the breakup with Red Lobster man faded and I was shocked and ashamed of myself. I'm not the sort who plays games very well, unless you need me to be on your softball team. I have too hefty a conscience. Whoever it was that taught me "with malice toward none" did a good job. I am so boring.

My point, that men are easily won over with bitchery, is not interesting. In fact it's completely moot. Everyone knows this. It's this that disturbs me:

A few nights ago during my endless search for the perfect orgasm I came across a video clip of Paris Hilton giving some guy a blowjob. Spectacular blowjobs, I believe, were the key to my successful transformation as a powerful slut. I've always thought that a woman can far with the right technique. How else can we explain Denise Richards?

But my question is this: How in the hell could Paris Hilton have gotten so far with the worst dick-sucking technique I have ever witnessed? I mean she has all the heartless slut ingredients, the excessive makeup, the slutty clothes, the lack of regard for others, ex. "dumb niggers" is how she likes to refer to black people. Silly video cameras. They can record you, Paris.

But the blowjob. What the fuck? Are they not as important as I once thought they were?