My Saturday with Dan - July 1, 2007

I take Muay Thai classes on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. My Monday and Friday classes are taught by this totally adorable surfergirl I'll call Lilly, because her real name is just as cute and I love that flower. Lilly has really beautiful form, and so she teaches well. She goes around tweaking our punches and kicks this way and that, and because form is super important no matter your level, you'll see lots of the better fighters there working on their standup, flapping their shins into each other in the most simultaneously delicate and devastating way. Flick--BANG! Flick--BANG! They scare the shit out of me. I stay in the corner with the girls and my pigtails and my pink gloves.

Tuesdays are my "whatever days," meaning I'll go to the gym and hope somebody teaches me something. Last Tuesday I learned how to choke with my thighs and do something called "Ground and Pound." It means to literally ground someone and pound the shit out of them with your fists, knees and elbows. As you can imagine, it's cathartic as hell, and the only not-so-fun thing about "Ground and Pound" is the thought that you might be a recipient of it at some point in the future--some really awful point. Otherwise, it's a brilliant workout.

Saturdays are my beginner Muay Thai classes. They're usually pretty crowded with the kind of people who are there for the workout and have no intention of ever fighting. The scrappy guy that works the front desk teaches them, and he doesn't care too much about form. You don't see many of the real fighters on Saturday. I look forward to this day, as it is a nice little workout doing drills I've done before and know pretty well. There's no coordinating your body into a new series of moves you've never done before.

You can imagine I was a little surprised yesterday when I walked into my beginner's Saturday class and saw a new teacher. Instead of scrappy desk guy, we got "Dan," a six-foot-tall English guy with black hair in shorts and a wife beater tank top. He was lithe and confident and said something that was probably, "I'm your new beginnah's clahss instructah. Don't worry yourselves. I've fought in a few mahtches meself, so I know what I'm doing," but I'm not certain. His accent was thick. He demonstrated a "RunningMannish" activity against the wall, and we all lined up to mimic him. The Beastie Boys were playing. I was all but a can of Rave short of a true Junior High flashback.

We danced and Dan shouted orders I couldn't understand. A girl next to me with a brown bob and fake tits had no clue either. I didn't think she would have a clue, but I asked her anyway, because she was shorter than me by almost ten inches and I got to stare down her top.

"Yauwauna kehp yoh knees rehlly rehlly high heher," yelled Dan.

Huh?

I shouted to him over my shoulder, "Hey Dan, where you from?" in the kind of wavy way speech comes out when you're doing the Running Man.

"Nawtingham," said Dan.
"Nawtingham," I repeated. Dan laughed, and I decided he was very affable, even if he did make us dance like Kid N' Play.

It came time for drills. We did some regular combinations with punches and kicks and then some "clinch" drills. "Clinch" means you and your opponent are clinched in together, you've got his/her head pulled down, and you're tossing knees into his/her face. Its really very humane, the clinch.

Dan demonstrated our next drill at Dan speed, and it was clear that Dan had fought in more than just a "few matches." I saw whizzing hands and feet that looked like nothing to me. When slowed down, it ended up being this weird charge that began with a distracting jab, went into a knee/punch thingy and ended with a kick. This was when I began to dislike affable Dan.

The rest of the class was devoted to Dan's weirdo charge. It made no sense to me. It started fine, with a little jab. Shit, I could do that. Then a right knee, and that wasn't so hard, but then Dan did this weird, mid-air shifting of his weight and threw a right cross at the same time. Somehow he was set up for a left kick. Fucking Dan. None of us could get it, and we were all pleased when our last round ended and it was time for the fitness portion of class--a series of exercises chosen per instructors' tastes. Lilly likes us to do leg lifts and situps. Scrappy desk guy makes us do pushups. And Dan? Okay, now this is when I really began to hate Dan.

Dan made us do bastard squat thrusts--down, feet out, pushup, feet in, jump, repeat--until we all vomited. Maybe everybody else didn't vomit, but I definitely spit up my orange juice in the ladies locker room after class. While we were thrusting, good old Dan walked around and taunted us with English jibberisms, clapped and blew his whistle. "Come on, people," Dan shouted. "This is for the new you!"

"Don't make me laugh, Dan. I hate you right now."

On my way out of the gym I was sweating like a tweeker--or like me five years ago when I had problems with Ephedra. I looked around to see if I could find Dan so I could tell him I didn't really hate him and also thank him for making me feel like I was on drugs without actually taking them, but he was nowhere to be found. Instead, I ran into scrappy desk guy. He had a look at my sweat and he smiled. "You like Dan's class?"
"Dan's an asshole."
"Yeah, he's also the number one cagefighter in England at 170."
"What? Nuh uh."
"Yep."
"Get out!"
"He's 'Dan "The Outlaw" Hardy.'"
"No shit! He's got a name?"
"Bunny, he's a huge fighter in England. Why wouldn't he have a name?"
"I dunno. It's England. It's far away and stuff."

Of course I went straight home and googled him. For sure, my beginner's Saturday instructah, Dan, who's fought in a "few mahtches" is the number one cagefighter in England at 170. How cool is my gym?

I think if he had been shirtless and fierce with hair dye like in this pic, I would have known I was going to be totally befuddled and that I would probably puke. Now that I think of it, the big blob of coagulated blood in his right eye was a good clue.

Posted by The Bunny at 8:31 PM

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Comments

Operation Ground and Pound!

Gotta love the DragonForce. Even if you hate 'em.

Posted by: Patch at July 2, 2007 03:25 AM

Californians have it so lucky when it comes to MMA training facilities, there's so many good camps out there. MMA is strange that way; there aren't more than a couple notable gyms east of the Mississippi.
Incidently, Paul Daley, another top British fighter also trains out of Hardy's gym in England.
PS: What's the name of your gym?

Posted by: AK at July 2, 2007 05:25 AM

I would let him pound and ground me any day! Rawrr

Posted by: Kristin at July 2, 2007 01:03 PM

170? Jesus. I weighed more than that when I was 16...

Posted by: Captain Canada at July 2, 2007 01:44 PM

In my dyslexia, I read your title as "My Day with Satan". Anyway, he looks hot. I think you should do him. Dan, not Satan.

Posted by: Dr. Big Boobs McGee at July 3, 2007 12:41 PM

Agreed, Californians do have it easy with MMA training, but Chicago is really blowing up right now.

Minnesota/Michigan has a couple good gyms, then there's Greg Jackson's place down south and ATT in Florida as well as many many more I can't recall.

Posted by: Kuroi Kaze at July 3, 2007 02:03 PM

Haha, couldn't handle the "superman punch". Keep at it, it's really not that hard. Literaally just a hop, skip, and a jump. and then a punch. They never see it coming.

Posted by: Kakutougi at July 11, 2007 07:14 PM

Nice to meet a fellow girl who trains Muay Thai! I train in Chicago, I'm a blue belt in Muay Thai Kickboxing and a blue belt in Jiu-Jitsu. I've been training since I was a kid and really love it! So when do you think you'll be starting Jiu-Jitsu? Its by far the most amazing thing you can do...next to kickboxing of course!

Posted by: Aimee at July 19, 2007 11:05 PM

I love you!

Posted by: Pappi at July 24, 2007 02:59 AM

You're lucky to have such an outlaw as a teacher. When I used to go to the gym, there was this guy that worked there... his shoulders were as wide as the double doors at the entrance. Perhaps steroids. I don't know what point I was trying to make but I officially love your blogs and writing style.

Posted by: P at July 29, 2007 02:24 PM

The "bastard squat thrusts" you described are also lovingly referred to as burpies. If you went to a real 100% Muay Thai gym (like Muay Thai Academy in North Hollywood) that reeks of sweat and all the equipment is well used, burpies would be a common part of your regimen. You'd still fucking hate them with a passion.

Nothing beats training Muay Thai, having the directions yelled at you in broken English and me being the only one who is concentrating hard enough to understand Kru Kansak.

I loved this story - especially how you showed how easily MMA pros execute difficult maneuvers.

Posted by: Seanny Rotten at August 7, 2007 12:09 AM

pink gloves? really? Where's the fun in that. Though is goes send the "please don't punch me in the face" vibe

Posted by: Afghan at August 9, 2007 03:18 PM

you still alive. you haven't posted in over a month. i miss your post.

Posted by: Heather at August 16, 2007 09:18 AM

Love the article.
Since you last posted I've had the time to read your entire archive.
Where are you bunny?

*kisses*
Jem

Posted by: Jemma at August 20, 2007 12:16 AM

Where the hell is The Bunny? I miss her so much, I sit at my window sill staring longingly into the night, while drawing charcoal sketches of her face from memory.

Well...that's not entirely true. I actually just keep whacking it to the few pictures she has of herself on the site.

Miss you Bunny! Love your writings, and hope all is well.

Posted by: Jake at August 21, 2007 05:09 PM

...UPDATE!

Posted by: Jahed at August 23, 2007 12:14 AM

*sigh* No updates.

Posted by: David at September 12, 2007 04:03 PM

Oh bunny, I love and miss you.

Posted by: DaveJ at September 13, 2007 11:23 PM

Wow, i wish there was a place like that near me. All I have is a room in a small gym where I take the beginner american kenpo class with a bunch of five year olds. But, one more belt level and I get to take the intermediate class in a small room with a bunch of middle school kids. Its kinda sad, im all like 2 feet taller then these tiny little girls in pigtails, and like 10 grades ahead of them too.

Posted by: miyoka at October 6, 2007 09:18 PM