October 14, 2006 - January 28, 2008
I found this in my diary. I thought you might like it.
You know you shouldn't have any more wine when you go to crack open a second bottle, and can't. The corkscrew is bent, or something. At least, that's what you tell yourself when it rips out and takes the middle section of the cork with it in shreds of waste, a situation akin to the stripping of a screw that's securing a door between you and something you want real, real bad. Well, this bottle is ruined, so where is more? The thought of driving to the grocery store arises and then dips below again. DUI's are real expensive. You're not thinking of the vans full of children, because...why would you think about them, or that you would be drunk and hit them with your car? You're not drunk...just DUIable. Fucking pig cops. So the idea that seems totally best--and yes, reasonable--is to push the cork into the bottle, thus opening up the mouth so that you can get some wine out. You stab a steak knife into the cork and twist it a bit. Shreds of cork fall both onto the floor and into the wine. You jerk the knife wildly, working yourself into a good sweat, but that cork won't budge. You give up on the steak knife and move to a phillip's head screwdriver. You're fixated at this point. Pathetic. You resemble a chimp with his stick at the ant hill. A final burst of effort pops the cork inward, and because you were never interested in the sciences, you're unprepared for what happens next. You didn't know there was a vacuum in the bottle, a vacuum which has now sucked up the shredded remainders of cork well into the body of liquid, and at an impressive speed too. You wanted wine. A spray of wine is what you get, on your hands, clothing, feet, the kitchen counter, the stove, the walls and the ceiling. You wipe the wine off your face and forearms and then pour it into a pint glass. To the top. Cork shrapnel floats to the bottom, which is surprising, but nice. That way you can skim the wine off the top and not worry about eating cork. But you eat cork anyway. That's when you know it's not a good idea to drink more wine.
Posted by The Bunny at 6:09 AM
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Comments
That's when you pour it through a strainer...Not a big deal...
Posted by: goats at January 28, 2008 12:41 PM
DUI, or wine full of cork shavings...DUI, or wine full of cork shavings...
Posted by: A at January 28, 2008 03:27 PM
I find it hilarious that I have done that exact same thing. Dammit, even the thought process was exactly the same. Well played, Bun.
Posted by: SmokeyJoe at January 28, 2008 04:45 PM
Holy crap.
Posted by: Wayland at January 28, 2008 06:36 PM
A lesson well learned.
Posted by: Argent at January 28, 2008 11:58 PM
That's awesome...
Posted by: Dr. Rob at January 29, 2008 06:56 PM
I did the exact same thing a few weeks ago. I got the steak knife to work though. Nearly ruined my favorite shirt and I had no idea red wine in the eyes would sting.
Posted by: Mark at January 29, 2008 07:35 PM
You haven't posted anything new quite yet and last night was the first time I caught it and just now remembered to ask you, have you had seen the new Fight Science where they did the entire episode specifically on MMA?
Posted by: Wayland at January 31, 2008 11:26 PM
Good lord, I'd think you were my twinner, except we're on the same dimensional plane. If that makes sense to you, will you marry me? If not, I have a couple books I'd like to recommend.
Posted by: Amyazing at April 15, 2009 01:36 PM
