Portals and stuff - April 24, 2009
There is this cult in town. Well, there's a lot of cults in town--cults that have orgies, cults that stand around a big rock formation once a year, hold hands, sing and wait for the space ship they're certain is in there to hover out the top of it, cults originally designed by the CIA's super-responsible MKUltra experiment that espouse a rather confusing dogma, which involves something about all life being a dream, and all consequence being inconsequential.
The cult that gathered on my front lawn, attributes some sort of magical value to the quartz crystal. A good magical value, not a bad one like that horrific puppet movie, A Dark Crystal, with the evil purple rock that sucked the life forces from little Gelflings and concentrated them into juices those vain, eagle-beaked monsters then drank to maintain youthful glow in their beak areas. That fucking movie. Oh, that movie ruined my dreams for two years. I couldn't look at birds of prey without flinching for half a decade, though I think my reaction to the movie was a severe one, since my family had our very own life-force-robbing crystal in the home I grew up in--not dark...blonde. It was called "Mom," and should you be strapped down and forced to look at and listen to its commonly brutal emanations, you'd suffer the same sort of depletion in your soul as the little Gelfling.
But I tangent. The cult, they wear special hats made out of copper wire, in the shape of a pyramid. At the top of the pyramid, hangs a little white crystal, which hovers over their brain, about two or three inches from their scalp. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is supposed to infuse their brain with some of the magic energy in the crystal. Perhaps it is meant to keep aliens or "big brother" from looking into their heads. I do not know. Should I ever know that answer, I promise to share it with you.
They were in my front yard the other day, a whole gaggle of them, in their pyramid hats. But these hats were not the regular pyramid hats. These hats were modified to include chin straps, so these must have been the extreme sport pyramid hats, or something: the brain-infusing, crystal headwear for the cultist on the go.
Two of the pyramid people had divining rods in their hands, those sticks commonly used by those who believe in folklore to find ground water. They were shuffling around in large, overly-strappy leather sandals and white socks, slowly, with the pointy section of the stick laid out parallel to the dirt of my driveway, periodically calling out to each other, "I feel a vibration over here, Harvey. Yes, there is an energy here." Whenever they'd find an energy, a third pyramid person--Harvey--would come over and pull out a little pendulum necklace, which would be held in the area of the energy and would spin clockwise or counterclockwise. One of those "wises" meant "yes." One meant "no." I'm not sure which was which, and I didn't think to ask.
So, apparently--according to the crystal pyramid people--there's a portal to another universe in my front yard. My friend, Brian, thinks that portal is my crotch, and considering every girl I sleep with lately disappears into thin air right afterward, I think he might be right.
Posted by The Bunny at 6:08 PM
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Hilarious! That last paragraph was exceptionally entertaining.
Posted by: IRISHNBRITISH at April 24, 2009 07:25 PM
That was hilarious! I forgot about that creepy ass movie until just now. Thanks.
p.s. I would love to visit your town. My 8 year son and I are always looking for new, unusual spring break destinations...
Posted by: Michelle at April 25, 2009 07:02 AM
you got to grab a picture of these guys
Posted by: Patrick Moran ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.thebunnyblog.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at April 25, 2009 11:14 AM
Ever since I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance it changed my views of the Dark Crystal completely.
Puppets and their struggles with mindless, and selfless, acceptance versus mindless, and selfish, impositions of power, aside, I think the peals of uncontrollable laughter such scene would tear from me would disrupt whatever they were trying to find.
Of course, if watches stop or run backwards when in close proximity of your crotch then they might be on to something.
If teleportation involved very public sex I think the world would be a funnier place.
Posted by: Fargo at April 25, 2009 12:57 PM
That's no cult.
You're just living in Silent Hill now Bunny. Those are Pyramid Head's children that you see.
Posted by: Machine at May 7, 2009 11:06 AM
saw a little boy with some salt in his eyes... reachin out for his momma's hand...
how badass would another universe be?... slightly different than the one we live in...
i'm pulling for bigger boobs...
Posted by: jtarin at June 2, 2009 03:00 PM
Okay, you had me at Dark Crystal. There's something special about mixing the activity of crystal people with the relationship with your mother, and your sexual proclivities all within a few paragraphs. I wonder what those hats would go for on ebay. Does the cult come packaged or do people need to run all over the fucking town to acquire these gadgets. It's probably like sex toys, most people have them in their dishwashers and pass them on to eager users. I mean...these people are feeling vibrations and virbating. Hmm.
Posted by: Anonymous at June 6, 2009 05:08 PM
