I have this running route. It takes me all over, because I can't just run a few miles, oh no, I've got to do a goddamned marathon every day. Considering I'm living on a very small island, my route sees a lot: Chinatown, the seaport, Battery Park, Tribeca, Soho, the villages--I see it all (anything that's worth seeing, that is. Fuck the grid). Note that Tribeca is in the middle of my run. Tonight was a rainy night and also the opening of the Tribeca Film Festival. Stars and celebrities and sycophantic news persons were in my way. This excessively puffy red carpet was in my way. Limousines were parked on my sidewalk, and the five feet of pavement between the limos and the Nascar race called the West Side highway was a gutter full of rainwater and filth.

I stood on the edge of it while a newslady shellacked in brown paint questioned some actress. I was soaked and sweaty, and gearing up for a rancid wade through the gutter, when I thought, "Who the fuck are they to block my sidewalk? I mean, who do they think they are, making me walk in this filth?" And so, up over the retaining wall I went, and over the absurdly puffy carpet (which was super nice and cushy to run on, actually), and between the camera and the actress (which was totally uncessesary, but I wanted to stick it to someone). People yelled at me and I yelled back, "This is my sidewalk, fuckers! This is America!" and Robert De Niro, who had absurdly puffy hair like the carpet, only white, looked at me and chuckled. He thinks I'm funny.

The best part was the mud stains I left on the carpet. Good old New York filth. This is the greatest city.

Posted by The Bunny at 10:21 PM

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