Tappin apples - April 13, 2007

Remember girls--when you were little--and you'd do silly things like counting the twists of your apple stem with letters, "A, B, C, D..." and figuring out the initials of the man you were going to marry. The letter of the last twist before it snapped off was the letter of his first name. Then you'd take the stem and pop it into the skin of the apple doing the "A, B, C, D" thing, and the letter you pierced the skin on was the initial of his last name. Remember how you used to like a boy with the initials J.H., and you would try and fix the twisting, like twist really, really hard on J, and pop really, really hard on H?

I swear. The things girls do when left to their own superficiality.

So anyway, I used to play that game with my girlfriends endlessly, and I used to imagine my vision of the perfect man, which back in my apple twisting days, was a cross between Patrick Swayze, Cary Elwes and Bruce Springsteen. He would be a fireman, and I would be a scientist. We would have three darling children and a waterbed.

Eventually, you grow up and realize that there's no dream guy or soul mate out there waiting for you, there's only a grouping of personalities that would suit your own, personalities you can be happy with and love. It's just as nice, really, but not as dramatic and imaginative as the dream guy thing. That's why I still pick out dream guys. Every now and then. Nothing superficial...err...

To suit my modern dream needs, dream guy has to have the following:

-A big nose. I'm not looks oriented, but I need a big schnozz. I don't know why. Sometimes I think its me paying attention to something primal, something that says "Don't mate with your alcoholic, button-nosed kin," Irish hybrid vigor in action perhaps. Give me a Roman nose to suck on; I'm a happy girl.

-Ruggedness. Beards. Dirt. Sweat. I need a soap-using man with rough hands. If I want to smell apricot exfoliating scrub in bed, I'll just sleep with a woman.

-Smarts. I talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and I like to listen too. I'm not the sharpest taco, but I'm pretty sharp, and if you can't keep up, we won't last long. The smarter you are, the better, so long as your smarts don't suck up the ruggedness. Rawr.

-Outdoorsiness. That's not a word, but whatever. Like I said, I'm not the sharpest taco. Now I can find the origins of this one easily in my past. We girls look for daddy, and my daddy is outdoorsy. I am outdoorsy. I hunt, hike, fish, camp, climb, ski, and yada yada. Daddy goes into the wilderness for a month with a knife and a blanket each summer, and if I'm going to pick out a dream guy, he'll be able to do the same.

So if we add up all my dream need requirements, a schnozz + ruggedness + smarts + outdoorisness (the extreme version), we can see that my dream guy is not only more attainable and realistic than a hybrid of silly actors, but that he is the star of his own television show--which I Tivo, of course--Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel.

Yummy. I'll have to try and tap B.G. into my next apple. You know, if I still did silly shit like that.

Posted by The Bunny at 11:17 AM

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Comments

You just described Bob Vila, but i don't know if he's still single. Nothing like a man who can lathe you a vibrator?

Posted by: Afghan at April 13, 2007 11:44 AM

Here's something weird though... Dad and I were talking about him the other day. He has a man crush on your dream guy.

Posted by: TheTrixie at April 13, 2007 11:56 AM

Oh Bear! Scrumptious specimen. So, if you two get together do you think you could call me for a swingers night or something?

Posted by: jolie at April 13, 2007 02:02 PM

you would love Bob Swerers "alone in the wilderness" http://www.channel9store.com/prodinfo.asp?number=423000

i watch it whenever i lose hope in man.

Posted by: jenny at April 13, 2007 02:15 PM

I am obsessed with that show. Did you see the recent one where he jumped into a crevice to prove how the parachute-rope contraption would work? He is hardcore. He also cried because he missed his wife and kid on the one episode, so maybe he is in touch with his feelings too.

Posted by: Random at April 13, 2007 02:36 PM

Being an intellectual, rugged, guy (with a roman nose), I can't relate to those silly apple games. But being a brother to 3 younger sisters I know they exist. Your blog was captivating as always.

Posted by: yoyoma at April 13, 2007 03:14 PM

We used to jump rope to the alphabet and whatever letter we missed on, that was the first letter in our future husband's name.

Man, were we stupid. But at least we got our cardio workouts in.

Posted by: M at April 13, 2007 09:10 PM

Bear is fucking hot and yet he's married to a rather plain looking woman, who wrote a book called Marriage Matters (http://www.hillhaus.com/photos/2005.10.10.NewMexico/RioGrande2.jpg scroll down to the 2nd book). I don't know whether to be put off that he deals with her or to be happy that if SHE got Bear, there's still a chance...

Posted by: Lorelei at April 13, 2007 09:41 PM

I thought I was the only one who loved the Cyranos of the world! Far better to pick men based on acceptable flaws than hoped-for features. Sometimes I fantasize about two nasally endowed men fighting for my affection by snout-swordfighting. To the victor go the spoils.

Posted by: Pre at April 13, 2007 10:21 PM

The problem with Bear is that he's a total douchebag- everything he does, the cameraman does too. Besides, half of what he tells people to do is almost guaranteed to get you killed. In at least one episode (Desert something-or-other) he says "And this is would be really dangerous, and you should never do it" and then proceeds to do exactly that.

Les Stroud (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Stroud) is the real deal- big nose or not.

Posted by: Chris at April 14, 2007 04:15 PM

Behr ( that how you spell it?) is a total bad ass. When his task is too easy he finds ways to make it more difficult (e.g., jumpin in a frozen alpine lake). I've gotta man crush on him.

Posted by: Donkey Show at April 15, 2007 05:35 AM

OH Bunny, I'm sorry, I'm taken.

Posted by: El Presedente at April 15, 2007 05:55 PM

A friend of mine likes to go on, at great length, about his plans to live in the woods. He says the only reason he doesn't do it is because he doesn't have the money to buy proper supplies.

If your dad really does that, he sure beats the hell out of my friend. (Even if he doesn't, he probably still beats the hell out of him.)

But I still don't want to show this post to my friend. He might take it as a challenge and end up dying in the woods.

Posted by: Cori at April 15, 2007 10:56 PM

hahahaha! i friggin' love bear, too! so what are your thoughts on Christian Bale? i happen to think they look a lot alike....and i'd pee in both their butts. *nods head*

Posted by: Drizaya at July 21, 2008 07:58 PM