Ted Plank; Redux - October 1, 2006

Some of you may remember me writing about The Producer's good friend, zany amateur historian, Ted Plank. At Ted's fortieth birthday party two weekends ago, many interesting things took place. I plan to write about them in a three part piece entitled "Ted Plank; Redux."

Part one, posted below, is a Ted Plank brush up, taken from a blog entry I made about the man in January of 2004. Please excuse the crudness of it. I was still learning how to write. It doesn't explore the great and plenty quirks of this creature, but does give a good overview.

Without further ado: TED PLANK, ANGRY AMATEUR HISTORIAN

Last night The Producer's friend Julien decided to organize a dinner at a Sezchuwan restaurant for some "ring sting," a colloquialism for the effect of capsacin on the asshole upon exiting the body. His idea of spicy is down right masochistic.

Ted Plank arrives at the Producer's house with his lovely girlfriend who makes custom corsets for transgendered male fetishists. We pick up Julien and go to Chinatown, and the way to the restaurant, Ted brings up the time he ordered a fish sandwich in Louisiana, left it on his dashboard, then ate it a day later in Texas. "Didn't get sick at all."

The Producer: "Yeah. It had mayonnaise on it too."

At the restaurant, The producer and Julien order a number of dishes. I fork them onto my plate and proceed to snot, cry, and sweat as I eat. I keep forking in a sadistic chicken dish thinking with every piece, like a retarded person that my mouth couldn't possibly hurt any more, and I am wrong each bite.

Ted begins to tell Julien, LOUDLY, what a great father he'll be someday. This is particularly mean because Julien and his girlfriend, the uber-foxy international movie star, Franka Potente, have just broken up because he doesn't want kids and she does. I bite my tongue, though I want details. He has seen Franka Potente naked numerous times. He has touched naked Franka Potente. Oh how I wanted to when I watched and then rewound and watched again (and again) that scene in 'Bourne Identity' when Matt Damon dyes her hair and then they have that intense "let's fuck because we could die soon" moment.

Ted knocks a glass of water onto my plate and finishes the masochism. It is a good thing, really.

The Producer tells a story about the time Ted was left alone with four year olds, and decided to teach them about the holocaust. The parents came home to their two year old waving and saying "Hi Hitler!"

We decide to get ice cream. We are in Chinatown, so the only place we can find that serves anything cold and soothing is a tea restaurant that makes icy drinks with jello and fruit mashed into them, and something yucky called "boba." Ted's lovely girlfriend, Sue, master of corsetry, tells a story about the time she had to make a giant onesy for a man with a baby fetish. Ted pipes in, "Hey remember the time I finally got food poisoning? The time I nearly shit my pants when you were driving me home!" He seems excited to make her remember this. "It was New Year's Eve, right honey! Remember how I asked you if you would still love me if shit my pants in your car?"

Julien: "So Ted, have you written that article you were thinking about doing?" 
Ted: "Nope. Not really." 
Julien: "Have you written that short story you were talking about doing?" 
Ted: "Uh nope." 
Julien: "What have you been doing?" 
Ted: "Construction work mainly." 
Julien: "I suppose it's important to follow your dreams, Ted."

On the way home, Ted, Julien and I are crammed into the back seat. Ted tells a story about a time he was in San Fransisco that starts with "so I was wearing these leather pants..."

He was walking to a Laundromat, and for some reason he was wearing leather pants. It was very hot outside, so he took off his shirt. People started to honk. His friend pulled up in a car and said, "Ted, what the hell are you doing?!"

Ted: "What do you mean? I'm going to wash some clothes." 
Friend: "Look around! It's gay pride day!"

Ted looked to his left and saw a man with a handlebar mustache in a car next to him, decked out in leather complete with studded dog collar, checking him out.

We all laughed, and Ted exclaimed, "I have led a sad and pathetic life."

Later we discussed fake breasts. Ted weighed in with, "Fake boobs are disgusting. I had sex with a girl with fake boobs once, but it was an accident. You women should just get over it. Men love women with their weird floppy bodies."

After we said goodnight, the Producer told me that Ted is some kind of a sick war Historian, and knows just about everything there is to know about both the civil war and the Nazi party. The Producer and Julien hitched a ride with him to Nashville once, and on the way back he drove four hours out of the way to go see the battlefields of Shiloh. They grumbled, but ended up being completely riveted by Ted's explanation of the battle and inclusion of soldiers' personal stories taken from his extensive knowledge of Shiloh.

The Producer is currently pitching a TV show in which Ted Plank, angry amateur historian travels America playing a Borat-like Devil's Advocate. The pilot episode is "Gays in the Military; why it's great!," a rundown on all the great homo generals in history. Another episode idea is "The Confederate flag is the loser flag; get over it."

I thought I would end my rave on Ted plank with a writing sample from the man himself. This is Ted's email to his ex booty call, a nice woman who happened to be too slow to write a promised testimonial for his Friendster profile. This is also the woman he hopes will get him a TV show:

"Not only did you run off and have anal sex the other night, leaving me to sobbingly masturbate after planning to blow a big load somewhere onto or into your person, but I STILL haven't received your testimonial! You cheap whore! I bet if I was a cantor you'd have written it by now! There's a REASON Jap cunts like yourself get all that bad press! Just too fucking cool for my filthy goy cock, aren't you?!? Well, you can drink my hot burning butt piss straight out of Arkansas truck stop Porta-Potty! Bitch! Whore! Tramp! Now that I've gotten that off my chest, yeah, I'll probably come to your BBQ."

Oh god, Ted Plank is great.

Posted by The Bunny at 8:48 PM

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That show idea sounds brilliant, largely because this guy sounds fucking hilarious.

Posted by: Ravnos at October 6, 2006 07:25 PM

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