That stupid list - April 2, 2009

I've been reading your stuff for a while, and I didn't know about that list until that Gawker crap, that incidentally Tucker's movie blog brought to my attention. I figured I was the only person on the internet that didn't read Gawker, but I digress.

Reading it made me feel sad. I've been in that place before. It's hard looking back at that time of my life,(the doormat years) and it made my stomach turn to see that 'list' being exploited...as a jab at Tucker.

I imagined that list being an impulsive rant written by a girl in pain, quickly regretted, but nonetheless another bit of grief to add to the Tucker collection.

Dear Bunny,
Of course no one deserves to be told that! I battled with suicide thoughts for years and wanted to go go Therapy for help but I was way too scared someone would find out and call me crazy.
The way you classify yourself is brave and amazing, I wish I had your balls.
Anyone who says you (or any one affected with some kind of mental illness) deserves it can go stick their cock in a blender.
You tell them that for me and for you.
Katie.

Precisely.

bunny, dont hate that stupid list because that stupid list is how i found u --googlin' tucker after readin beer in hell...bla bla bla--
no really u are the f'n shit own that list --it is what it is-- u r what u r--

Empty people NEED your missteps and your pain. They thrive off that shit like little parasites. What inspiration could they draw from your recovery process? None, because to see you becoming whole is a reminder of their own brokenness, and they will fight that.

They're from a different time and place than where you are now, a dimensional rift that you shouldn't have to repeatedly trip over.

Your words have helped me, and I thank you for your generosity in sharing them. I come to your site for inspiration while I try to heal myself. Your writing may have attracted some ugliness in the past, but I'm certain there are many who come here now for your insight, your strength, and your determination to fight the good fight. Focus on those, not the parasites.

Heh. Did you also remind them that they were in the same waiting room as you were?

Bunny,

First, be assured that your writing reaches many more than five or six people, and the majority of your readers get a LOT out of your work. I know it's touched and helped me, and I know I'm not alone in that. You may write to heal yourself, but you heal others too. You are artistic and actively add value to the world through your prose. You are valuable.

I saw some disgustingly negative reactions to that list on another forum. Never pay attention to trolls. Anyone who is worth anything and is familiar with your work, even if they hate it, must respect it. You seem to genuinely seek truth, especially about yourself, and display it raw (although well-written) for the world to see and judge. You tackle some really nebulous subject matter that many people feel, but can't articulate because they lack your level of introspection. I think that's how your writing helps people (like me) the most, and I think it's extremely brave.

Lastly, and I'm speculating here, that list doesn't seem to represent who you are anymore. It may be who you were, but you recognized the problems, and seem to constantly work on "fixing" yourself (although I'd use the less connotatively negative word "bettering"). I can't imagine you'd let yourself be treated that way today, so in a sense, you could look at the list as an area of growth rather than as a regret.

A big fan,
awhitegiver

P.S. I think that if you get to know anyone well enough, *everyone* will reveal their own "illnesses of the mental kind."

I wish I had the capacity to elucidate the positive effect you have had on my life. I wish I had the ability to allow you to see outside the prism of your self and see yourself for the beautiful, incredible, brave, strong person you are (hopefully you already have, even if it may only have been for a moment). I wish you would never again have to see the dark, insensitive side of people. That everyone could let their inner light shine with the strength, intensity, and pertinacity that you do. Unfortunately I cannot grant those wishes. I can only tell you how much I admire and respect you. No, I don't know you. But I know the bunny from thebunnyblog. And she is my hero. Your abilty to face yourself, I mean truly look yourself in the eye. Almost no one has that strength. You are a truly incredible person and I take great solace in just knowing that someone as good as you exists on this earth. So thank you. For all you have written, all the ways you have inspired me and most of all for being you. You are a divinely beautiful person, and the world has been enriched infinitely by you.

Lets see, so far... michelle is 1, kate 2, kayln 3, jen 4, J 5, machine 6, awhitegiver 7, Jim 8, and me 9(prolly gonna get this comment in a lil late so I could be some other number). A bit over the expected 5-6 people. You can lose that modesty alot of bloggers have, you've got fans , and not just fans, people who care about what happens to you (I understand this sounds stalkerish hahaha me). But seriously even though this writing is therapeutic and important to you, I'll tell you that every heart-felt Bunny update has helped that much along the way. Thanks

I'm going to be completely honest, because there's no reason to not be here.

I love "The List". It's your one piece you regret writing, but I rather enjoy it's existence. Before I go on, I feel I should state:

I have no mental illness. None that aren't self diagnosed anyway. Which means I have no mental illness. I've dated people who I shouldn't have, and I didn't date people who I should've. Why do I like the list? Would it make sense if I said Pawns are my favorite chess piece? This is not meant as a slight or insult - Pawns are the soul of the game.

I've written hate filled messages that I look back upon in embarrassment. But I like the list because it serves as an eternal indicator of that one period in life. Sometimes in the daily grind I forget what existence feels like - I'm uncertain if I'm even awake or just having the same dream over and over again. It's things like "The List" which reminds me of everything I've been sleeping through. To put in a simple, less ambiguous way: I'd choose Hell over purgatory. I'm not sure if that made my point clearer or added to it's confusion...

I'd better call it quits.

I had never read the list until just now (I started reading this blog long after 2004) but it left me feeling quite sad. It amazes me that people can be that horrid to each other; it amazes me more that people can put up with it; but what amazes me the most is that I am now reading the Bunny Blog on Rudius Media.

Your writing is so deep, touching, soul-baring...and even though I think a lot of it goes over my head (not having any professionally diagnosed mental illnesses or substance abuse problems) a lot of it grabs me in that "That's what I feel but couldn't articulate!" kind of way.

Tucker's writing is funny, and occasionally quite intelligent, but that's about the extent of it. Your works are worlds apart...and after how he treated you (and how clear it is that you now realise what an ass he is/was, as evidenced by The List) how the fuck you are still working together - friends, even!

I just don't see how the girl who wrote that list could ever reconcile with the asshole who was the subject of it.

I'm kind of glad, because I found your site through Tucker's, but now, seeing this, it boggles my mind.

You're by far my favorite Rudius writer. I aspire to be as open, creative, and witty as you're.

Everyone has problems and deals with them in their own way. I mope around and choose not to write about them, but some people are brave enough to share them. And you happen to have awesome and thoroughly entertaining stories that go with.

There should be more people like you.

Eh -- that list. Haven't people been in ugly relationships? Afterward you look at that stuff and it's like it was someone else. I have a hilarious three page, single spaced "mean note" an ex wrote me. It's funny, I keep it in an envelope in my desk drawer. I've had friends ask to read it. I let them, he's a douche.

Inside the envelope, though, there's also a crinkled piece of notebook paper with my drunken response. No one gets to read that but me. I got lucky with that -- I'm the only person who gets to go back, read those words, say "what the fuck?" and temporarily be brought back to that place. It's a different person, you can't describe to someone all the intricate mashups of feelings, fuckups and general drag of that time.

It sucks that you list was sent out into the world... it's not you anymore. It wasn't you then, either. And you probably would never remember what you wrote if people didn't keep bringing it up, just as after they read it they'll forget what it said. I did. The only thing I can imagine doing with something as stupid as that situation is shrug, tell them "I don't even remember, that was just some short temper messed up shit" and ignore them. They don't understand and they don't deserve to understand.

Your blog's nice, thank's to my 18 year old student who told me to check it out when he was naked in my bed last night... Haha!

At last, I will learn some english I can actually use somewhere while having a good time readding.

Nobody knows the trouble you feel
Nobody cares the feelin' is real
Johnny, we're sorry, won't you come on home
We worry, won't you come on
What is wrong in my life
That I must get drunk every night
FYC

Shine On

If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea what list you are talking about and I really don't have any interest in looking it up.

I can only imagine how re-visiting the list must be painful -- I never look at my old journals because I cannot forgive many of my choices. If it's any consolation, I find the list a brilliant, honest piece of writing. I hope you can see it that way someday. It is an awesome read; I'm just sorry it is at your expense.

Despite the moments of flippant humor on that list, it was obviously written from the position of someone in terrible pain. I came across it long after I started reading your blog, and both the list and the asshole comments hurt to read. Your writing deeply inspires me (as someone who doesn't pursue her own writing seriously enough), as does your ability to look at yourself unflinchingly and record the process as honestly as possible. You are an amazing person.

Bunnay!

I just googled 'the list'- saw it before but had forgotten about it! ANYWAY: I want (need) you to know that just because you were having issues at that time does not unsubstantiate the list. I get it- you've (obvi) reconciled your past with Tucker...But that doesn't erase how he treated you/how it made you feel! So, I guess it's okay to be sad you posted it- but never get frustrated with the 'why'. Heartcha!

Hmmmm.... I think your ambivalence about the list is important - something to explore. I just recently found your blog and have been reading my way through it. Intense stuff. I'm going to keep reading!

Bunny, if it evens things out at all, I kind of wish I would run into you somewhere so that I could tell you how I admire your honesty and courage in your writing, and that I consider you a role model of sorts.

I also might say something about the poop. But mostly the first bit.

Damn Bunny, I got nothing to say that I think would help. I blow you a kiss in the hope it will give you a some micro-second of happiness.

Mike

listen dude, your ramblings are nothing short of amazing. SO WHAT if you regret that list. writing it was cathartic, right? it doesn't mean you were whining. sometimes the only way we can overcome our shitty pasts it to acknowledge it happened in the first place.

you're the balls, bunny. keep it up.

Don't be ashamed of the list! It's a part of your past, and you are CLEARLY past that part! I think you are incredibly strong, and if it weren't for that list, I wouldn't know who you are today. I am a HUGE fan of your writing, and I am always so stoked to see an new blog entry. Your fans love you for the yucky parts as well as the pretty parts of you, because you are so refreshingly honest and real. I honestly think you could be one of the great literary geniuses of our time, and look forward to the day you are heralded as such! Keep your head high!

Bunny:

I haven't gone back and read that post in a long, long time, but it was real. You don't have to be ashamed, and for every idiot who you think is "sniggering" (who honestly, probably isn't, but is just embarrased because you're living life and they're going through the motions), there are ten people in your corner rooting you on.

Most of the comments here sum up what I initially wanted to say to you. But here's a little more...Fuck 'the list' and the regrets. You were in a different place then. I don't know who could sit and judge you for staying there or Tucker for being who he was at that time. You guys were young and for whatever reason your souls were meant to clash and then become better for it. Just from reading your writings and some of his, I know you both are better people for having known each other. Why not say thanks for that and forget all the rest? Fuck the little boys and all the others. until they walk in bunny shoes, they don't have a clue. Karma will catch up to those people anyway. You have a well of strength that you don't seem to draw from often enough. Use it, silly bunny.

Hey *looks down, shying away* I want you to listen to the song This Is the Thing by Fink. It's a mellow, acoustic song. I hope you like it.

This is what I dont get. He could have asked you anything, and the only question that came to mind was that.

People are fucking dumb. What a waste of an opportunity to have a meaningful conversation with someone.

I love how everyone is like bunny, Your a person and most of all your still a person even after a list. A list or a mental illness doesnt make who you are. Ive had to deal with my "illness" for the past 11 years and just now at 20 I figured out that if it wasnt for sitting in a hospital room alot and having nothing better to do then read stupid shit online I wouldnt laugh that much about real life.

Dr.s dont really ever tell jokes or personal stories while telling you that there are STILL no answer for you...

Props to you!

you know how the city wakes up in the morning?... the lights in the buildings glow against the darkness of the early morning sky... the cars whine along the highway and the world around you feels as though it's crawling... literally crawling towards the inevitable day to come...

that's how your writing feels...

(i just hope it's real...)

Bunny, I've been reading your blog since I was 19 years old. At first I was intrigued by tucker's stories and found myself more and more fascinated by you. Maybe fascination isn't the correct word but I was definitely in awe. You are real and I feel both your pain and joy in your writings. I always find myself coming back to your blog even after months of neglect, hoping that you've come back to share your life. You may never know how you've affected any of your fans, but I'm personally thankful for your honesty. So thank you thank you thank you!!

A big fan,
-idalia

reading your blog has been the highlight of my last four years on the internet. that is of course excluding mafia wars on facebook.

This was like advertising something you don't like...such as saying...i just pissed my pants and everyone in the room looks down to see. I haven't read this list, but I might reconsider. Hmm. Yet, again I have enjoyed your writing, its like i'm looking at polished rawness. Like an old bowling lane that's just been re-done. Time to knock some pins down.

can someone please give me a link to this list???? and bunny i love you!!!!

I have recently started to read some of you stories and am highley enthrawled with them. I found out about your site through tucker's book but I'm sure you could have come to that conclusion on your own. I haven't gotten through much of your stuff yet, maybe 4 or 5 stories but by the time I get done reading any of them I find myself smiling and feeling better about the day. I find your writing to be entertaining and witty. I don't think I could find the words to really justify what I'm trying to say about your stories and what they do for me so I'm just gonna leave it at that. Anyway I look forward to reading more of your writing. Thankyou.