Hey honey, you sound a little apologetic for having the feelings that you have. Please don't. Firstly and most importantly you writing about your feelings helps you, whether it is good writing or not, provocative writing or not (by the way it is great writing that stays with you, and plays on your mind for days after) is not important, it helps you. Secondly it also helps those who have the feelings you have, or similar feelings. And so therefore please don't ever stop writing. It does so much more than you ever may realise.

Keep it up!

I used to feel that way frequently. Guess one "fixer-upper" is always looking for another lost soul in need. Finally a few years back I realized how emotionally drained I was all the time from trying to support everyone else, and kicked every useless turd of a friend to the curb. Some of them got their shit together, lost their codependency urges, and we rebuilt our friendship. Some are still stuck in their hole.

Bunny, please try to let your boulder friends drag their own asses up. It will make you feel so much lighter.

I'm right there with ya. Although I think you may be wrong. 'Stupid' can be an emotion. It may hide itself in the form of something else, but stupid is the fucking 'Andromeda Strain' of emotions. Just when I think I thought I've contracted every form, I miraculously find an as of yet undiscoverd version.

"The struggle itself... is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."
- Albert Camus

But that's the core of what life is, Buns...you roll that boulder the same way you toss the dice.

It's all a crapshoot. You know, from previous e-mails, that I've been splattered by that fucking boulder over and over again.

The only thing you can do is get back up and try again.

That's the thing about crazy people like you and I: we won't let the boulder conquer us. It's just not in the cards.

:::hugs:::

You should come visit bun-bun. Nothing makes it all better like massive culture shock, the kind you can't find in your own country. The world is a much shinier place when it's new and weird.

Some people have never been our friends. It hurts when we realise it because then we can see exactly why they use/used us.

But the thing I like about this is that you can then choose to keep them in your life or walk away.

My mum always told me to 'avoid vexacious people'. I used to think it was a silly little saying, but as I've matured (a bit), I've realised that she couldn't be more correct. Some people are just horrible and will bleed you dry.

Let's hope you never feel like Prometheus. He was sentenced to be hung upside down over a boulder where vultures would eat out his liver. Each day his liver would grow back and the vultures would return, continuing the cycle. All because he gave fire to man.

If that happens, let me know and I'll send you some liquor.

dear ms. t;

the post by phil is appropriate, from "the myth of sisyphus" , in which camus muses about the very subject you touch upon.

sometimes, the boulder can be a relationship that gets harder and harder to work on, 'til you summit as high as you can and have to cut it loose, watching it tumble back down. it was hard, but it is over, and you get to try something else.

sometimes, the boulder is time, which you mark by your efforts, doing your utmost to roll that boulder upward in a mindful and efficient fashion. you did your best, and you can let the boulder go at the top with a light heart.

that bottle of wine you drank the other night was a celebratory instrument of choice; before you found your doctor, you were a captive of your brain/body malady. now, you have the opportunity to be free.

so, good luck with your future choices!
sr d

ps i am writing you an email about the parallels between jamestown and some of the little towns in some of stephen king's novels.

If a boulder is all you know, that boulder is normal. It's living without the boulder that feels fucking weird.

you're a woman after my own heart

Hey.

To answer the question that might be lingering in your mind, no you do not know me. so why am I commenting?

I imagine myself to sound dumb and ignorant to your situation but I will make an observation.

It sounds more like the boulder is pushing you, rather than the other way around.

Like Sisyphus, the bottom of the hill represents being a slavery of existence; one that is vacant of real joys. The top, obviously, represents the anti-thesis; freedom and the advancement of your life.

The reason I say the boulder is pushing you is because in all actuality you are not sentenced to an eternity of futility. Sisyphus, I imagine really wanted to put the boulder over the hill; you might not want to, or be ready for what's on the other side.

It's the same as a person who is hesitant to get on a roller coaster but they reluctantly agree. Then when they are strapped in and slowly ascending to the top they realize how much they didn't really want to go one this ride. Afterwards, though, once all is done; it can be quite a freeing experience.

If any of this relevant, what do you think the top of the hill represents to you? why might you be reluctant to see?

So yeah, I appreciate different points of view figured why not?

have a good one.

-Andrew