The five worst minutes
I'll be continuing on with the "Trip to Chicago" series later this evening, or tomorrow morning. First I'd like to tell you about the five worst minutes of my life, which took place a half hour ago.
It was doggy spa night at our pad last night. Max and Murph were filthy, Murph particularly so, since she has been living in TheProducer's back yard (she's not allowed to pee on TheProducer's custom cut vintage tile work or oak flooring). After bathing them, I forgot to put their collars back on. Me forget? Never.
This morning, they were collarless on our trip to the dog park and then to Whole Foods for breakfast, papaya salad for mommy, marinated mozzarella balls for the pups. It was a lovely morning. A little hot, but we had a nice shaded parking spot to hang in, so no complaints.
On the way back to the house, I rolled the windows down. Murph just loves to stick her upper torso out the window and let her long tongue flap in the breeze, but she knows that she's not allowed to step on the door console and pop all the way out. That's too dangerous. Plus, she sometimes steps on the window control button and rolls it up on her own ridiculous head.
When I made a left turn onto the freeway on-ramp I heard a bit of a ruckus in the back. There's always a ruckus with Murph, particularly when she has her claws on the window, so I didn't think much of it. I sped up, negotiated a lane change between two insane Armenians in BMW's (but what driving Armenian isn't insane) and drove on to my exit, the next exit, about a mile further down the road.
At the stoplight I turned around to check on Murph. I looked over my shoulder, but she wasn't on either side of the seats. I looked behind the passenger side seat, and she wasn't there. I felt behind my own seat, and she wasn't there. She wasn't there. She wasn't there. What in the hell...
Murph had fallen out of the window...a mile behind me...on a freeway on-ramp...with no collar on.
It's hard for me to describe what that felt like, that realization. It was something like this:
Okay, okay okay. Oh God. Holy shit. Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit FUCKING SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT! MOVE ALL YOUR CARS YOU FUCKERS!
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNK!
The light was red, the light that would lead me back onto the freeway, and knowing that light as well as I do, I could not wait for it. I went up onto the grass that lines the side of the off-ramp, over the sidewalk and onto Pacific Avenue, scattering Armenians about the road into complex angles of Lexi and BMW. I sped up the street, swerved left, passed two cars, swerved right and only stopped when I had to, the third car back at a long red light.
SHIT SHIT SHIT! OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!?
I passed the three cars, paused and prayed, then hit the gas around the corner, over the median (just slightly) and onto Central. A few more nervous swerves and I was back where I had taken the turn that spewed Murph from the window. I had the red light, but I didn't stop. I parked my car sideways in the middle of the street and got out of it a woman possessed, tears streaming too. I must have looked like a crazy person...well more like a crazy person than usual.
MURPHY! MURPHYYYYYYYYYYY!
I ran up and down the freeway on-ramp. Oh God, oh God oh shit. Oh, I know I don't pray much, and we're on the outs and stuff, but if I run down this on-ramp and see my baby Heeler flattened in the middle of the 134, I will never forgive you. I will become the biggest and most bastardly supporter of Satanism this world has ever seen, you got that?! Is that clear, you son of a bitch?
And it's not God's fault my Heeler doesn't listen and I roll down the window anyway. But that's what I said to myself, so that's what I'm writing.
She is not in a pile of intestines at the end of the on-ramp. This is good, but not good, because she is still nowhere to be found. I run back up the ramp and continue calling her, this time more calmly than my crazy woman screaming.
Murph pup! [clap clap] Comere Murphy! [clap clap] Here girl, its okay! [clap clap] And then her favorite words...You're not in trouble!
I hear a rustle in the bushes that flank the on-ramp. A little black Heeler pokes her snout out, sniffs nervously and then squiggles her way to me. She rolls over and shows her belly, all submissive and pissing, and when I see that she's in one piece and no worse for the wear, I burst into tears again.
I carry her little dirt, burr and piss covered body to the car and inspect it for any cuts or bruises. She is just fine, but when we buckle up and head home, she ducks under the seat and chirps. It takes two bowls of kibble and two peanut butter bones to get her back to normal. I myself, may never be normal again. You have no idea how horrible it is when your retarded dog falls out of the window. Should the smart one fall out, she will just trot into the grocery store and work her cuteness for some rotisserie chicken. The retard will play "Frogger" on the 134.
The moral of this story is this: if you ever lose something you really love, tell God you're going to become his biggest Satanic enemy.
Comments
Oh my gosh, that is scary. She is very lucky to be unhurt. I've seen, in the pet stores, those seat belts for dogs. She probably will hate it, but it might be worth checking them out.
I can totally understand how you felt. My dog ran out in the street to chase an errant tennis ball and got "nicked" by a station wagon. He was okay, but I very nearly had a stroke. My screams filled the neighborhood. Sitting in the waiting room of the vet's office, I had a similar conversation with the great scriptwriter in the sky.
Posted by: M ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.thebunnyblog.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at October 20, 2006 05:58 PM
Your dog fell out the window as you were driving?
That's absolutley histerical. Funniest thing I have ever read!
HA!
Posted by: ImAwesome at October 20, 2006 07:49 PM
Well, not funny HAHA funny, more like, if it happened in a movie funny.
Posted by: ImAwesome at October 20, 2006 07:55 PM
Every time I dare think that Murph couldn't possibly do anything more stupid than the last, you write something that opens a whole new world of possibilities. That dog is truly suicidally stupid. I have NEVER heard of a dog falling out of a car. Is it possible she may have sustained brain damage at some point during puppyhood?
Posted by: Leroy77 at October 20, 2006 10:02 PM
Oh my god, i would have died, lost it. really. I'm totally impressed that you were able to keep your shit together as much as you did and do what you needed to get her back. Parking your car like that on the ramp was pretty ballsy.
I know it sounds stupid but I have nightmares about my two ferrets getting eaten by cats. What can I say? The bastards are cute.
Posted by: Multiple Undos at October 20, 2006 11:38 PM
I think you should add 'a cat' to Tucker's list of things that Murph has eaten.
No dog has this many lives.
Posted by: backwards7 at October 21, 2006 12:49 AM
I'm really happy for you and Murph.
Employing a threat to God in that situation instead of entreating for your dog's return was an interesting reaction.
Posted by: Tinsdale at October 21, 2006 01:40 AM
Aww poor Murph pup!!
Does Daddy Tucker know?
Posted by: DolceBella at October 21, 2006 07:16 AM
I do understand, Bunny. This summer my dog fell off a cliff. He fell off. A fucking 200 foot cliff. I totally did the whole "I don't know if I believe in you or not, but if my dog's dead YOU'RE dead" thing, too. He was amazing unscathed, though the firemen had to repel down to get him. Glad Murphy's alright!
Posted by: kimberRVT at October 21, 2006 01:58 PM
I love driving around with my dogs in the backseat. Each one sticks their head out the window while we're moving, and lick me at stoplights. Once I was aimlessly driving on the highway to check out the Bremerton ferry when I heard a loud rush of air coming from the window behind me. I turned my head to see my dog Ozzie half hanging out the window, apparently unfazed that his front paws were no longer in contact with anything solid and he was a few seconds away from landing on the highway at 60 mph. He must have stepped on the window controls and leaned right out through the window. All I could think to do was call him to me, and luckily he's an obedient dog and happened to fall backwards onto the seat as he tried to comply. Now, I roll the windows down enough for each dog to stick their head out and then lock the windows in place.
Posted by: LilaChicaD at October 21, 2006 06:15 PM
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