Things you don't know about yourself - February 4, 2009
So I don't really know what to do right now. I'm not exactly well, and I don't want to go fall into an eightball or a keg, and smack is pricey, so hey, why not blog?
Wanna hear a funny story?
I have this thing about Watermelon in the summer. Gotta have it. Like, every night. I go through two or three baby seedless Watermelons a week. I wish I lived in Japan so I could have a pantry full of stackable square Watermelon. I wish I lived on a Watermelon farm. I'd be stained pink.
I have this red tupperware bowl I put the sliced melon into (Jesus H. Christ, this is making me want melon). It's about the same color a really ripe melon is, pinkish, but a hot pink so hot its almost red. A big red bowl full of melon. Yum.
Anyway, one night, my ex and I were hanging out eating melon. He was sitting on the couch and I was on the floor playing with [dog name redacted]. We were watching television, and apparently, my head was blocking his view of the TV. He was all pissy, because he's a dick, and he said something like, "Get your big assed head out of the way!"
I thought, "What the hell do you mean, big head?"
It was kind of a shock. I don't really look in the mirror much, if at all. My brain does this weird little thing when it tries to interpret visual information of it's body's appearance. It comes in in this fun house mirror type way with everything awry, and the mirror adds ten pounds, or in my case, fifty pounds, and my head just becomes this little pin at the top of a mass of warped body tissue. I kind of thought my head was small.
"What are you talking about? My head's not big?"
"Seriously, Bunny? You have one of the biggest balloon heads I've ever seen."
To settle this, I went to my room and got a tape measure; the measurement it provided proved nothing, really, as women don't measure their heads. They measure their waists and tits and asses.
"I don't believe you. My head is totally normal."
"Its huge."
"No it's not."
"It's HUGE Bunny," he said, flailing his little hands about for emphasis. "It's...it's..." he said, looking around the room, spying for something comparable in size. "It's as big as that red bowl."
"Shut the fuck up; it is not."
Now, the bowl is enormous. It's like those bowls you fill with macaroni salad and take to cookouts. You could marinate a whole fuckin' chicken in this bowl, or put several boxes worth of Chex Mix in it for Superbowl.
"There's no way my head is this big. Nuh uh."
And to prove my head was not as big as the gargantuan noodle salad bowl, I sopped up the Watermelon juice with a paper towel and placed the bowl on my head, expecting it to roll around loosely, hang down over my chin and dwarf me. I would show that bastard! I had my very best, "fuck you, you're wrong" face on while I did it.
But then the strangest thing happened. The gargantuan noodle salad bowl fit my head real well. Like, really really well, like a hat would. My ex burst into laughter and ran for his camera, hoping to capture and post on the internet as humiliating a pic as the one he took of my post New Year's Immodium AD shit. I was too flummoxed to pay attention. I took the bowl off my head and stared into its dark recesses, enough recesses to hold a Costco-sized bag of cheese poofs. Christ. My head was enormous. I did not previously know that.
That was how I found out I have a really big head. I wouldn't know just how big until a little later, when I went to OTM for boxing headgear and--to the hilarity of the cocksuckers that work there--ended up buying the size that is called "Extra Large." Ahem, MENS Extra Large, that is.
Posted by The Bunny at 5:31 PM
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Comments
mmmm....watermelon
Posted by: Katie Jones at February 4, 2009 07:19 PM
Just found your blog, and I'm totally loving it so far.
FWIW, I'm female and I wear a size Large motorcycle helmet. You never did say what your head measurement was though... now I'm curious!
Big-headed women unite!
Posted by: alphabitch at February 4, 2009 07:20 PM
Ahh, I bet you have a lovely head. So long as you don't need a doctor to drain fluid from it regularly you're fine.
I really don't know how I ended up subscribed to your blog, but hey, I'll roll with it.
Really sorry to hear about the dog issues. It's always tough when you have to reconcile the dog that's very nearly human with the dog that's acting on animal instincts.
Also, your ex sounds like a whole bunch of no fun. And, I hate to admit this on my first post, your description of watermelon is damned near erotic.
Posted by: Fargo at February 4, 2009 07:54 PM
Writing is therapeutic, so is music.
Write a song, listen to something good.
Shine on.
Posted by: colin at February 4, 2009 08:22 PM
You know what's funny? That picture is on his Flickr, and I found it about two weeks ago. I wondered for quite a while why you had that great red bowl on your head, and why a picture of it was so necessary.
It all makes so much sense now.
Bunny Edit: Not any more! Thanks Stephanie.
Posted by: Stephanie at February 4, 2009 10:52 PM
Growing up, we used to call my sister "bowling ball head" because her head was not only quite large, but heavy too. When we got into fights, she used to put her head on my chest and hold me down.
At least your head isn't too heavy.
Posted by: Caitlin at February 5, 2009 06:19 AM
For what it's worth, I have a giant melon-head, too. I have a nice fedora I used to wear all the time and it's the second-largest size the company makes and leaves a red line on my forehead. Half the baseball caps I've ever tried don't fit.
It's just more space for brains.
Posted by: Prometheus at February 5, 2009 06:23 AM
Thanks Stephanie. Now no one gets to see Bunny with a giant red bowl on her head.
Posted by: CanadianMenace at February 5, 2009 06:34 AM
At least you don't have a toe head. There aren't that many downsides to having a big head, but looking like a giant toe* is a problem.
*I know two toe heads, both cunts. Big heads are usually okay.
Posted by: Nadia at February 5, 2009 02:58 PM
This story just painted Tucker in a hilarious manner. I can picture him running around laughing hysterically trying to find a camera. Don't think I didn't notice you taking a "little" shot at him either.
Posted by: Brett at February 5, 2009 03:41 PM
When I was 11, I mentioned to my uncle that I was thinking of cutting my hair short. He told me that my head was too big for my body, and that I should keep my hair long, but get a perm so that it's kinda bouffante, thus making my face look smaller in comparison to my hair. I told him he was wrong and I cut my hair anyway.
Damn, I want some watermelon.
Posted by: Slammy at February 5, 2009 04:05 PM
I like melons. :D There's nothing wrong with your freakin' head so stop that sh*t.
Posted by: Wayland at February 6, 2009 10:43 PM
Petey Greene wants to make sure you're eating your watermelon the right way.
Posted by: Tree Hate Me ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.thebunnyblog.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at February 8, 2009 12:27 PM
Ha...I love filling watermelons up with good vodka and letting it sit and absorb. It makes for great picnic, or tailgating food. Exciting. Anywho..the big head is reminiscient of Elean in Seinfield...absofuckinlutely classic...ahh. I also love how you ended this piece, very tasteful.
Posted by: Anonymous at June 11, 2009 02:28 PM
