Those people... - February 5, 2009
I just met this person. Did you ever meet one of those things? A person? A human being?
Just kiddin.'
I'm hanging out at coffee houses quite a bit; listening to Emo chicks with hairy pits blather on about their pain makes me feel together. I met this girl at the sugar/honey/stevia bar, and we got to talking. I found her very interesting, and wanted get to know her better, take her to the movies and maybe play with her sweater puppies a little bit--gently, of course, because I'm nothing if not a dignified lady.
However, during the course of our initial courtship, she said something that totally ruined our chemistry. Like, POOF!, it was gone. Buzz killed. It was a bigger buzz-killer/crotch-cooler than the time I met Stacey Keibler and--though she found me completely repugnant--I was beside myself with a lust bubble that fuckin' burst like Folliculitis a few weeks later when I saw her "act." I might have felt so dirty I got into one of those cold shower thingys; I don't know. Alcohol makes the memories disappear. I'm gonna guess I showered, because I'm excessively dramatic and I don't like it when I'm not in lust, and the horniness goes away. Perhaps I even shed a tear or two for the loss of it. After that, I probably masturbated, but I don't know how that moves the story along. If I edited these posts, I'd chop that part off. I don't.
Now I'm all about romance--you guys know this--and nothing makes me happier than a makeout session, with or without fondling the sweater puppies, with or without the happy ending. Love to smooch. No question. But what's with these people who think, "Kissing is the most intimate thing two people can do?" That's what she said. Jesus. I mean, really? Putting your lips on someone's lips--mouth lips, not pussy lips--is the most intimate act a person can commit? Isn't that a little silly?
My tongue in your vagina, now that's intimate. Two in the pink, one in the stink. DP. Swallowing a load--sucking bodily fluids out of someone else's gonads. These are intimate acts.
A queef. Tell me kissing is more intimate than when your fucking vagina farts. I don't think so.
I think these people should put a cock in their ass. It would clear up the confusion, and I'd never again have to hear "A kiss is the most intimate thing two people can do." It's silliness.
I should probably go get myself some Tylenol PM or something, no? I'm not making much sense. Bereavement fucking blows.
Posted by The Bunny at 5:37 PM
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Comments
Recently discovered your blog due to the credits in Tucker's IHTSBIH book. You are a great writer!
On Intimacy:
I know this girl who won't kiss anybody. She says it is because she kisses her son with that mouth. Yet she suckles the cock? I don't get the reasoning in that thought.
Posted by: Melissa at February 5, 2009 06:15 PM
Have you ever received DP?
Bunny edit: That's none of your business! I'm a very private person, dammit! How dare you!
Posted by: thatguy at February 5, 2009 06:28 PM
Two in the pink one in the stink isn't intimate, it's a rude awakening. She must have been one of those "I'm saving my vajayjay for marriage because I have morals" people. Saving your vag for marriage doesn't mean you have morals, it means you like to make impulse purchases. You test drive the car before you drive it don't you? Crazy people...
Posted by: Kshizzle at February 5, 2009 10:11 PM
Not to be overly contrary, but every sexual act mentioned here could easily be the most or least intimate, depending on the person/couple. Any porn site will show you thousands of oral/anal sex scenes, but they are far from intimate. Go to any bar and you'll see two drunk strangers making out. Again, not intimate in the true sense of the word. I've seen couples who have been married for 20 years, have plenty of intercourse to get themselves off, yet never kiss. That's not intimacy. And yet another couple with the same time logged together might kiss all the time and put other sex acts on the back burner. Intimacy? Maybe. It's not the act, it's the emotion accompanying it.
Posted by: Dr. Rob at February 5, 2009 10:59 PM
Bunny, I've missed you. Welcome Back!!
Posted by: smitty at February 6, 2009 07:07 AM
Bunny, I've missed you. Welcome Back!!!
Posted by: smitty at February 6, 2009 07:28 AM
my pants just got tighter reading about this 'intimacy'. that's it. my tongue, your vagina lips - all four of 'em, now.
Posted by: gc at February 6, 2009 11:36 AM
What Doc Rob said.
And thanks for the flurry of writing the past week.
Posted by: MoreCowbell at February 6, 2009 11:57 AM
Good lord. I should stop reading blogs when I'm in public. If I have to stand up now everyone will know how big a perv I am. I mean they'll THINK I'm a perv. Obviously I am not.
But yeah, kissing is great and all, but it takes a lot more trust and vulnerability to let a carnivorous primate wrap their jaws around your genitals, or expose you to baby batter. That or a whole lot of misplaced confidence.
Posted by: Fargo at February 6, 2009 04:17 PM
Holy crap, you got Rob to comment. Word.
Posted by: Wayland at February 6, 2009 10:47 PM
Totally the truth...they must have had shitty sex then, or faked it the whole time. Hmm.
Posted by: Anonymous at June 9, 2009 10:06 PM
