Yolanda the Vampire - January 27, 2005

I may sound like a Hypochondriac with all this talk of thyroids and what not. I find it funny when women discuss things such as the size of their poops. It's the same sort of satisfaction I got discussing poop in grade school.

I have tried to refrain from health talk as of late. However, this one detail is pertinent to the story. I have the world's shortest urethra. Not narrow, like Hank Hill, but short. I get about ten Urinary Tract Infections a year. Bad ones. I've set two hospital records for the worst urine ever collected. It looked like tomato juice. Hee hee. You're cringing aren't you?

I got one recently while staying in LA. They aren't that difficult to deal with anymore. I go to the grocery store, buy a jug of cranberry juice and drink as much as I can without puking. Those little cranberry supplement pills don't work as well. Then I go to the doctor, or in my non-insurance having case, the free clinic.

So I made an appointment for last Saturday at the Hollywood Free Clinic. The people were awesome, very polite to point out all the parts of my paperwork I airheadedly missed. I was even given a free mini bible by the woman who answers the phones. I thanked her and said "Jesus saves," though I don't know why. I guess I was caught up in the warm spirit of the Hollywood Free Clinic waiting room.

I was called in to see the doctor and give a urine sample. After that I was herded into the Syphillis room, where a woman named Yolanda approached me with the blood taking accoutrements. I was instructed to roll up my sleeve. As I did this I noticed that Yolanda was sweating a little bit and looked rather nervous. She called an Asian guy over to supervise her, "I'm sorry. I never do this before so I'm little nervous."

Now I'm not needle shy, but this was frightening. I have rolling veins. The last time I went to give blood I was stuck seven times before the Red Cross gave up. You know you have bad veins when the Red Cross gives up on you. Fucking vampires.

She wrapped me with that rubber hose and tapped my arm a little, looking for something to stick. There was nothing but some skin and sinew. The Asian guy gave me a little log like thing to squeeze so that the vein would pop out. I squeezed several times. Nothing.

Yolanda decided that she would pop the needle in anyway. She pushed it in and nothing happened. No blood entered the tube. She began jerking the needle back and forth and jamming it in and out. Nothing. Finally she nicked the vein, and when she did, a little splatter of blood came flying out of my arm onto the back of her own arm. She screamed and ran to the sink to wash it off. It is the Hollywood free clinic, you know. The blood they extract has a high probability of having something deathly in it. I didn't hate her for freaking out.

What I did hate her for was the needle still stuck in my vein, dangling this way and that with no supervision. The Asian guy came to my rescue and pulled it out. He was my hero until he inspected the tube and said, "Oh that's not enough blood. We'll have to do the other arm."

I told him I would rather die of Syphillis than go through the whole ordeal with the other arm. He said I would be fine. He wrapped the other arm up and told me to squeeze the loggy thingy. Then he pushed the needle in and said, "Hmm... it's not coming out. Do you have low blood pressure, or maybe a thyroid problem?"

Apparently my blood pressure was too low to get enough blood into the tube. I had to bounce in the chair with the needle in my arm to push blood out. Yolanda held my other hand and told me how good I was doing. She's sweet.

So I got my antibiotics and a lollipop from Yolanda. Considering the lengths I went to with the blood test, I was almost hoping to have Syphillis. I don't.

Ah well. Jesus saves even me.

Posted by at 9:20 PM

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Comments

The first time I got a UTI was on Christmas Eve. After agonizing for a while, I told my mother. She took a long sip of wine and told me "I can make you a quick concoction."
She pulled an 8oz beer glass out of the cupboard and filled it half with vinegar and half with warm water, and told me to drink. It was fucking repulsive. But an hour later my only ailment was an achey stomach.
I'm sure this doesn't work on everyone, but it's worked for me every time.

Posted by: Meg at November 14, 2005 07:38 PM

how about my first was when i was 14. i had been complaining of back problems for like a month. and then u know the burning...holy crap...

my mom told me that i was being a hypochrondriac...which i am at times and therefore she should not be faulted for this.

but finally my grandma got her to take me to the doctor.

i had a bladder infection, uti, and which also became a yeast infection. yeah so when i would complain of my back hurting it was really my bladder.

QUITE LOVELY...

Posted by: sillygirl at December 5, 2005 02:35 PM

I have the exact same problem as you. However my first experience was pretty horrible. The first time I got a UTI was right after I had a lot of freaky sex with my best friend and my boyfriend at the time, in his hot tub. I disregarded Sue from the Sunday Night Sex Show's advice to never have sex in a hot tub, but I was pretty high, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.
2 days later I woke up with an intense burning need to pee, but found I didn't really have to pee, it just felt like I did...I had no idea what the hell was going on, but my best friend said she was having the same problem and WebMD.com said it was a yeast infection. I'd never heard of WebMD, so I checked it out, and with my symptoms, it said I either had a YI or a UTI. It also told me that a yeast infection only needed a few doses of Monostat and you'd be fine, whereas a UTI needed antibiotics, which I hate, for reasons I won't get into. Plus they were a little expensive, and I'd just spent the majority of my paycheck on a pair of Steve Madden's. So I went to the pharmacy and bought a 3 day supply of Monostat and a pair of granny panties (that shit is messy), and waited for the burning urge to pee to stop.
It didn't. It got steadily worse, and I was running out of panties to wear. The drawing point was when I woke up 5 days later feeling my kidney's had just exploded. My mom took me to the hospital and it turns out the UTI had spread to my kidneys and I was on the verge of a massive kidney infection that would most definitely lead to kidney failure. So I took the damn antibiotics, and was taught that Monostat doesn't always solve every downstairs problem, and to stop being a cheap cunt.

Posted by: Kshizzle at June 26, 2008 06:50 AM

I had my first experience when I was about 8. It got pretty bad before I told anyone, to the point where I was having "accidents" pretty regularly. One night I was silently crying about the after-burn of one of my episodes. This prompted my dad to tell me about how he used to wet the bed until he was 16 years old.

I added it to the long list of things I do not want to know but unfortunately do, changed my sheets, and went to sleep. Thanks, dad.

Posted by: Social at November 17, 2008 10:15 PM

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