So I made an appointment for last Saturday at the Hollywood Free Clinic. The people were awesome, very polite to point out all the parts of my paperwork I airheadedly missed. I was even given a free mini bible by the woman who answers the phones. I thanked her and said "Jesus saves," though I don't know why. I guess I was caught up in the warm spirit of the Hollywood Free Clinic waiting room.

I was called in to see the doctor and give a urine sample. After that I was herded into the Syphillis room, where a woman named Yolanda approached me with the blood taking accoutrements. I was instructed to roll up my sleeve. As I did this I noticed that Yolanda was sweating a little bit and looked rather nervous. She called an Asian guy over to supervise her, "I'm sorry. I never do this before so I'm little nervous."

Now I'm not needle shy, but this was frightening. I have rolling veins. The last time I went to give blood I was stuck seven times before the Red Cross gave up. You know you have bad veins when the Red Cross gives up on you. Fucking vampires.

She wrapped me with that rubber hose and tapped my arm a little, looking for something to stick. There was nothing but some skin and sinew. The Asian guy gave me a little log like thing to squeeze so that the vein would pop out. I squeezed several times. Nothing.

Yolanda decided that she would pop the needle in anyway. She pushed it in and nothing happened. No blood entered the tube. She began jerking the needle back and forth and jamming it in and out. Nothing. Finally she nicked the vein, and when she did, a little splatter of blood came flying out of my arm onto the back of her own arm. She screamed and ran to the sink to wash it off. It is the Hollywood free clinic, you know. The blood they extract has a high probability of having something deathly in it. I didn't hate her for freaking out.

What I did hate her for was the needle still stuck in my vein, dangling this way and that with no supervision. The Asian guy came to my rescue and pulled it out. He was my hero until he inspected the tube and said, "Oh that's not enough blood. We'll have to do the other arm."

I told him I would rather die of Syphillis than go through the whole ordeal with the other arm. He said I would be fine. He wrapped the other arm up and told me to squeeze the loggy thingy. Then he pushed the needle in and said, "Hmm... it's not coming out. Do you have low blood pressure, or maybe a thyroid problem?"

Apparently my blood pressure was too low to get enough blood into the tube. I had to bounce in the chair with the needle in my arm to push blood out. Yolanda held my other hand and told me how good I was doing. She's sweet.

So I got my antibiotics and a lollipop from Yolanda. Considering the lengths I went to with the blood test, I was almost hoping to have Syphillis. I don't.

Ah well. Jesus saves even me.